


Broken promise

by NKI_Stories



Series: No More [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Breakup, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Getting Back Together, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Not Beta Read, Past Relationship(s), Romance, Slow Burn, Suffering, Suicidal Thoughts, kakairu - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-01-30 00:51:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21419488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NKI_Stories/pseuds/NKI_Stories
Summary: After a nasty breakup, Iruka picks up a mission to keep himself busy and his mind from wandering back to what was no more.The mission goes wrong and Iruka is captured, living with the hope that someone will come around and rescue him. The problem is everyone thinks he is dead and isn't even looking.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Series: No More [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1544155
Comments: 102
Kudos: 416





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the continuation of No More, it takes place a few months after their breakup. You do not have to read the previous fic in the series to understand it as everything will be explained eventually through this one, but the fic might give you some early answers :) Tags will be updated as it goes along.

“It’s not like you to take these missions Iruka. I also know for a fact that you work enough at the Academy, and at this desk, that you don’t need the money. It’s not like you have Naruto around to empty your wallet on ramen either.” Genma says as he gives Iruka the scroll with the mission details while studying him suspiciously.

Iruka shrugs, “It’s Holidays, the Academy is closed, and most people want to spend time with their family and friends. There is always a need for some extra hands in the field this time of year. And like you said, Naruto isn’t around, you know, so I don’t really have much to do this year.”

Genma raises an eyebrow, and chews on the senbon in his mouth. He was always blunt and spoke his mind, but he had been surprisingly considerate, and chosen his words wisely when it came to the situation between Iruka and Kakashi. It wasn’t a secret that they had broken up, and everyone who knew the Academy teacher knew this would not be an easy holiday for him. Nobody really knew the details around the split, because Iruka refused to talk about it. Other than the fact that it happened.

Iruka didn’t feel like spending his holiday alone and miserable, so he picked up a border patrol mission to keep himself busy.

“Alright then, just be careful okey? Kira-san is on your team and she isn’t known to be the most observant.” Genma replies.

“I will be, thank you Genma-san, Enjoy your holiday,” Iruka replies with a smile as he turns to leave. To be honest with himself, Iruka was looking forward to the mission. The apartment felt lonelier with each day that passed, and while he knew time would heal his wounds, it only seemed to get worse. He had to make sure he always kept himself busy, as time to think and dwell on his broken relationship, only made him depressed.

It was the main reason he wanted a mission. It was just a routine border patrol, considered B rank, so he didn’t expect it to be very adventurous. He had been working at the mission desk long enough, and been handed enough reports from these missions that he knew they rarely posed any real danger.

* * *

Eight days later, Iruka and his team, which consisted of Kira, Daisuke, and Asami, were spread out to check the on traps around the part of the border they were assigned. Asami, being the leading Jonin, had decided that Kira always joined one of them while patrolling, since it was known she wasn’t very observant when it came to tracking or similar activities. She was decent in a fight and had good instincts, which is why she was a wonderful asset to have on your team, but she would likely never become a Jonin unless she improved on her attentive skills. Today, it was Iruka’s turn to have her follow him while he checked the traps, and kept an eye out for any activity.

Iruka actually quite enjoyed her company. She was a social spirit with good humor and made everything seem less dull. She wasn’t the most professional shinobi, and had to be told to be quiet a few times while scouting, but she never got insulted by it, and did as she was told. Iruka had a feeling she might have a crush on him, as she sought his company more than the others and did some light but obvious flirting. Nothing that made him uncomfortable, but enough to show that she was interested.

She was easily someone Iruka believes he could have dated, and had a good time with if it wasn’t for the fact that he really wasn’t interested in a relationship right now, and had always been a bit more attracted to men than women. After four happy years of being with Kakashi, and having that so suddenly shattered six months ago, it still left an unpleasant taste in Iruka’s mouth when he thought about moving on with someone else. He simply wasn’t ready. Though, he had a feeling that reason also was because he couldn’t help but compare everyone to the man he believed to be the love of his life.

“I’ve heard winter holidays is one a time of the year when there is often an increase of attacks on the border”. Kira quietly said looking through the forest as if she was in deep thoughts. Iruka looked at her and was surprised to see a frown on her pretty face as he was used to her constant smiles and laughter. He turned to look at where she had her attention, but couldn’t see anything out of ordinary.

“I’ve never heard that before,”. He replied now with a frown on his own. “This is the border to River country, It’s the least likely spot on the border to be infiltrated.” he replied.

Kira hummed in reply but kept staring into the forest. Iruka noticed her frown becoming deeper.

“Is there something wrong?” he finally asks.

Kira turns to look at him, and Iruka can see she looks worried. After spending 8 days with the Kunoichi that’s a look he hasn’t seen on her before and seemed somewhat misplaced like it didn’t belong to her face.

“I don’t know, I just got hit by a bad feeling. I feel like we’re being watched.” She was whispering now, which made Iruka's hairs rise as he felt the worry wash over him as well. He hadn’t noticed anything out of the ordinary, and if Kira noticed something, he knew there was a reason to worry.

“We only have a few more traps to check up on, let’s check up on them first and head back to the others.” He decided.

Kira nodded, and they sped up their phase to get it done as fast as possible.

While checking up on the traps Iruka still noticed nothing, but Kira kept turning to look over her shoulder. It wasn’t until they were halfway to meet up with the other two at the camp that he understood what Kira meant.

There was no sign of anyone, but the feeling of being watched was there. They both kept observing the area around them as they jumped through the branches, but saw no one or anything showing that there was anyone else around. Still, they both had an increasingly growing suspicion that they were being followed and kept sending each other worrying glances.

Since he couldn’t actually sense anyone’s chakra or see any traces of anyone, he knew they weren’t dealing with low-level shinobi. Someone being able to conceal their chakra and hide their traces like they were, screamed Jonin level in his head. And as they had no clue how many there were, Iruka was incredibly worried how he and Kira, both Chunin, could hold up if the enemy were to attack.

He assumed it was an enemy because of the feeling the unknown shinobi was radiating. It wasn’t friendly by any means. He couldn’t straight up explain it, but by the look Kira kept sending him, he knew he wasn’t the only one feeling that way. He felt relieved knowing he wasn’t the only one feeling that way, but more worried because of what it might entail.

As they got closer to the camp, they were both hit by the smell of blood. They both turned to look at each other with horror, confirming to the other that they both could smell it. Iruka grabbed a kunai and increased his speed. Blood could mean many things. It could be an animal that had sprung a trap and gotten badly hurt, which was the best-case scenario, but that he highly doubted. Another scenario was that his teammates had been attacked, and Iruka could only hope that they weren’t the source of the blood.

The smell of blood increased and there was no doubt they were going to arrive at a scene full of it. They were just about to reach the clearing when the sound of a kunai being thrown from behind could be heard and Iruka had to jump to the side to dodge it. As he and Kira turned around, they saw two men closing in on them.

Both he and Kira took a more defensive stand as they were being closed in on. Judging by where the enemy came from, Iruka could only assume these were the ones that had been watching and following them. That could only mean that there were more enemies at the camp that more than likely had attacked his other two teammates.

As the enemy got closer, Iruka observed them being 2 men in clothing associated with Iwa shinobi and the hitai-ate on one of their heads confirmed this, though it had a scraped line cut across the sign, indicated missing nins. What they were doing on the border between Fire and River country, he didn’t know.

More kunai flew their way and Iruka and Kira both dodged and blocked them with their own weapons, and as they were busy doing just that, they were once again attacked from behind by someone else. Iruka received a kick right in the middle of his back and fell to the ground. A moment later Kira screamed out and Iruka could hear the sound of bones breaking. He turned to her on instinct with the hopes to be able to assist her, but as he turned he saw another kick headed his way in the corner in his eye and had to turn around to block the attack. He could hear Kira still fighting someone and really hoped she could hold her own for a while.

The ninja in front of him was a woman with long brown hair braided down her neck. She had a rather ugly expression on her face, letting him know she did not mind killing for fun. He could only assume she came from the direction of their camp, and if Iruka was correct, that only supported the possibility that his other 2 teammates had been killed and the smell of blood in fact belonged to them. Anger grew in Iruka and he kicked her backward. He threw a kunai at her as she stumbled back and tried to find her balance. She dodged it and her hands suddenly flew through some hand signs with a speed that confirmed to Iruka that she definitely was on a Jonin level.

The earth underneath him shifted the second she finished with her hand signs and Iruka had to jump away to not get his legs caught and crushed by the rocks in the earth. Just as he was about to jump up on a branch nearby, a stinging pain erupted in his left shoulder. He turned his head and saw a kunai embedded deep in it. One man must have thrown it at him as he jumped away from the kunoichi’s Jutsu. As he landed on the branch more kunai was headed his way, and Iruka had to dodge again. He jumped over to another tree and hid behind the tree trunk. They were obviously outnumbered and out skilled in this fight, and Iruka felt himself doubting he would survive this one. He peaked around the tree and saw Kira hold her own as one of the men charged at her with a katana. Kira, being a katana user herself, easily blocked it, but Iruka noticed how she wasn’t using her left arm. The break he heard earlier must have been that. Iruka had to do something, and fast. Kira was hurt, and wouldn’t stand a chance if another of the enemies turned their attention to her.

Suddenly the sound of more kunai headed his way broke him from his thoughts. The woman landed right in front of him again and kicked him out of the tree. As Iruka fell towards the ground he did the hand seals for a barrier seal, but not in time to avoid another kunai headed towards his face. Iruka tilted his head to the side just in time to avoid a deadly blow, but not enough to avoid the kunai from slicing the side of his head, destroying the cloth with his hitai-ate, making it fall off his head. He finished his hand signs just before hitting the ground and the woman, still standing on the branch above him, got sealed in the barrier.

Iruka didn’t have great chakra reserves and knew he couldn’t hold the barrier for too long, but he hoped it could hold her long enough to take care of at least one other enemies.

Pain hit Iruka as he connected with the ground, and at the same time, the woman screamed in frustration of being trapped by the barrier. The kunai in his shoulder was pushed deeper in by the ground and for a few seconds the pain it caused blinded Iruka to his surroundings. The man with no forehead protector, that Iruka also assumed was the one that had thrown the kunai, landed in front of him and punched Iruka in the face with a chakra infused fist, making his head slam into the ground again. Iruka could definitely feel a concussion taking form.

“Don’t kill him! That’s him and we need him alive, remember!” The woman suddenly shouted desperately. The man in front of Iruka suddenly hesitated and turned slightly toward the woman and was about to say something back to her. All Iruka could think was how it that was such a rookie mistake as he jumped forward, with a new kunai in his hand and sliced the man’s throat open.

Iruka hated killing, but when it was about life and death, he did what was needed. He especially hated slicing people’s throats open as it always left a bloody mess, but that wasn’t a luxury he could afford at the moment. So far he had only seen 3 enemy ninjas. One of them drowning in his own blood by his feet, another one trapped in his barrier, currently screaming at him, promising him he would regret what he had just done. Iruka ignored her cursing for now and started looking for Kira with the hopes to assist her.

He ran towards the sounds of fighting, and just as he ran around some trees and bushes Kira screamed out in pain. Iruka saw the enemy drag his katana out of her chest as she fell to her knees.

He was too late. There was nothing he could do to save her, but he charged towards the man that had just killed her with newly infused anger flooding his veins. The man was caught off guard but blocked Iruka’s blow just in time and jump away. Iruka was just about to charge forward again when he was hit by a wave of dizziness and exhaustion. Keeping the kunoichi trapped in the barrier was draining his chakra, and he was now paying for it.  
Iruka observed that the man that had killed Kira was badly hurt and obviously favoring his left side. Iruka knew he had to strike now if he wanted to take the man down before the woman escaped the barrier; which he wouldn’t be able to hold for much longer.

Iruka charged forward again but was blocked a second time. Having expected as much, he twisted around and sent the man flying with a strong kick to his stomach. The man grunted and stumbled backward, and Iruka once again threw a kunai.

As the kunai flew through the air, his chakra let go of the barrier. The man dodged it again, and the very next second Iruka’s head felt like it exploded. As Iruka fell to the ground, he vaguely registered the woman hovering above him. Words were being said, but the throbbing pain in his head made everything sound muffled and distant.

Iruka felt the panic swell inside as he felt himself going into unconsciousness, and as much as he tried to fight it, it kept taking a hold of him.

Someone grabbed his wrists, and he barely registered that they were being bound. He remembered the woman saying something about keeping him alive, but the pain he felt made him feel like he was dying.

His thoughts went to Kakashi. Iruka was going to die, and he would never have a chance to learn why his ex-lover broke away from him. He vaguely understood what triggered it, but he would never learn the reason Kakashi stopped loving him. He was going to die, and their last moments together were horrible ones. Iruka felt sadness wash over him amongst the pain. He wanted to hate Kakashi for how it all went down. It was because he was still hurting that he was on this mission, and because Iruka had no one to go home to; he didn’t fight harder. He wanted to be angry, but as the blackness took hold of him, the last thing he saw was Kakashi’s handsome face smiling at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry to end the chapter like this, but let me know what you think and if you think this is worth continuing :) (Though next two chapters are written, just need some editing)


	2. Chapter 2

Pain.

Pain is all Iruka feels when he reaches consciousness again. His head feels like an elephant had used it as a cushion and his mind feels all fuzzy. He tries to open his eyes, but his body didn’t want to comply as a wave of nauseousness washed over him. His shoulder feels like it’s been ripped off and Iruka would have believed so if it wasn’t for feeling his wrists tied so tightly and painfully by what he could only assume is a chakra wire. It might be normal rope, but at the moment he can’t tell if he is still chakra drained from the battle or if it is the wire blocking him off. The rest of his body didn’t feel too bad if not a bit beat up. 

Iruka sits completely still for a moment while his mind puts itself together from being beaten unconscious and waking up. His thoughts are all foggy and Iruka needs a moment to understand his situation.

He remembers being followed and the overwhelming scent of blood. He remembers being attacked by three ninjas and how he and Kira got split up.

Kira! 

The memory of his teammate with a sword being dragged out of her chest and her falling forward lifeless to the ground entered his mind. 

Iruka struggled to breathe, his heartbeat speed up and his body tensed up with grief.

He was never very close to the woman, but they had gotten along well and Iruka really enjoyed her company. Kira who was so full of life, and she was always cheerful despite the cruelty the shinobi life brought; was now most likely left for dead, uncared for, in the deep forest.

He never saw his other two teammates, but he was fairly certain they were killed as well. 

His teammates were slaughtered, but Iruka was kept alive. He didn’t understand why, but as the realization kicked in, another wave of nauseousness hit as the guilt formed in his chest. He clenched his fists together while waiting for it to pass, and he decided to focus on his breathing and the current situation instead.

Iruka tries to open his eyes again and thankfully succeeds this time, though it doesn’t help much as where he is being held is covered in complete darkness. At least he assumes so, as he doesn’t believe they cut his eyes out and feels no blindfold on his face.

He listens, but the only thing he hears is his own heartbeat and breathing. Nobody else seemed to be in the room with him. If there was, they made no sound at all. 

He wiggled his body slightly despite the pain it triggers to get a feel of the surroundings. The wall he is being tied up against feels uneven and the ground he is sitting on feels somewhat the same. It feels chill to the touch and there is a slight draft in the air. Iruka can only assume he is being held in a cave or underground hideout. 

He pulls on his restraints and can tell he was correct about it being chakra wire, meaning unless he could physically break free from them, he wouldn’t be able to mold any chakra in his hands. 

The academy teacher wasn’t sure what the missing nins from Iwa wanted with him, but he began to mentally prepare for what was to come. Iruka had top training against interrogation despite chunins only having to go through a basic course. Iruka being of the few of his rank with S-class clearance level in his village had to undergo it if he wanted to have the possibility to take missions outside of Konoha. Even though he rarely took any missions, he had taken the course a few years back just in case they needed him somewhere else. 

Despite knowing he had been stabbed in the shoulder and having the kunai dig even deeper as he had been thrown to the ground, he felt no weapon there now, and could tell the wound had bandaged. They also seemed to have let him keep some clothes. Most likely to avoid him dying of hypothermia in the chill environment. A tactic in torture was to leave the victims naked to make them feel more exposed and vulnerable, and Iruka felt very thankful for being allowed to keep some dignity. Hell, it even seemed as they had put clothes on him as he had been wearing sandals and now could feel socks on his feet. 

His head snapped up when he heard the familiar sound of a lock being twisted and then the creak of a door opening. As the door opened a soft light flooded the room and Iruka had to squint his eyes to see the same kunoichi he fought with earlier, enter the room with a lit lantern. The Academy teacher instantly tensed but said nothing as the woman crouched down before him, studying him with a smug expression on her face. 

“My my, finally awake, are we? Took you long enough.” Her voice was smooth but had a mocking tone to it. He decided not to respond as he had no way of knowing the temperament of his enemy and wanted to avoid triggering them.

“You have been knocked out for two days you know, and you should know I hate tending to weak, unconscious shinobi like you. Would have thought the lover of the infamous Copy-nin would be able to hold up better than that.”

Iruka frowned and pulled at the restraints. A grin spread on her face. So this was about Kakashi. Iruka wasn’t sure how to react to that fact. If this was a ploy to get to his ex-lover it wouldn’t matter, Kakashi might have cared before, but he certainly didn’t anymore. Most likely this group sat on old information, not even realizing that it was unlikely Kakashi would show up to save the day. That line of thought made him feel incredibly sad, and Iruka could still feel the heartbreak take hold.

The kunoichi smiled wider when seeing his expression change. Most likely thinking it was for being used to trap his lover. 

Iruka opened his mouth to tell her how mistaken she was, but snapped it shut again when realizing that information might get him killed. He was alive as a ploy to get to Kakashi. If they learned that he and Kakashi were no longer a couple, it might cost him his life. 

“Now now, no need to look so depressed. I plan on keeping you alive for a while. When the search party looking for you comes up with no trace, the Copy-nin will feel the desperation and loss of not being able to find or save his most precious person.”

The kunoichi let out an awful laugh at that, and it sounded almost desperate. Like she absolutely couldn’t help but laugh at her own joke. She even clutched around her stomach because she seemed to find it so funny. 

Iruka doubted her words. Konoha was the hidden village known for having some of the best trackers. So despite her claiming they wouldn’t find him, he hoped she was wrong.

Once she stopped laughing, she smiled and studied him again. Iruka stared defiantly back before finally replying.

“So how long do you plan on keeping me alive then? Why not just kill me now? It wouldn’t make much difference to your plan.” 

“So he speaks!” She was smiling excitedly before her expression changed to one full of disgust. 

“Yes, if that was all had planned, I would have just killed you straight away. But I will let your lover suffer from the hopes that you are still out there, just unable to find you. So when you show up somewhere, freshly gutted and killed in a month or two, he will feel the guilt shape from being too late.”

Iruka felt his blood drain from his face. Even if Kakashi wouldn’t feel that way, Iruka knew Naruto might. Triggering Naruto’s anger was incredibly dangerous because of the fox. Iruka could only hope Tsunade didn’t tell Naruto, and that the boy would stay clueless for the time being. It shouldn’t be too hard as he was currently out traveling with the legendary Sannin Jiraiya. 

Iruka broke away from her gaze and looked at his lap. He was worried for Naruto and hoped the loss of his former sensei wouldn’t hit him too bad once the blonde returned to the village.

The kunoichi chuckled as she stood back up to leave. No doubt to how defeated Iruka looked. 

“I will bring you some food and water later. Can’t have you dying of thirst and starvation, can we?” She said from the doorway. Iruka looked up at her to catch her study him once again. Only this time he thought he might have caught her looking somewhat sad. Their gaze met, and she seemed to hesitate for a moment before turning and closing the door behind her. Leaving him once again in the darkness. 

Iruka spent the time before his food would arrive to consider his options. He did not want to die here, and if the kunoichi was correct about covering their tracks, he might not be rescued in time. That meant it was up to himself to get out of here. 

He did not want to die alone in this dark cave because of a plot to seek revenge on the man that broke his heart. It was frustrating because Iruka couldn’t stop loving him, and it hurt knowing Kakashi didn’t feel the same way anymore. He couldn’t stop himself from hoping he was mistaken about Kakashi’s feelings and that the Jonin wouldn’t stop searching for him till he was found, but at the same time terrified because it might put the man he loved in danger.

Iruka tried pulling at his restraints again, hoping he could loosen them and get free, but they were obviously tied well and so tight that they dug themselves deeper into his wrists. It also didn’t help that his head felt like it had exploded and every movement made the pain in his shoulder worse. 

Iruka stopped struggling for a moment, trying to catch his breath and to let the pain from the wiggling to settle down. 

This place didn’t seem overly dirty, but he really hoped the wound wouldn’t get infected. First of all, it could be deadly, second of all a fever would only make him weaker. He really hoped they would give him more free reins. Sitting in his own poop and pee was really a disgusting thought, but he also doubted they would give him that kind of luxury. He was their captive after all, not a guest. 

Iruka was felt panic rise in his chest. He was captured by some missing nins who seemed adamant to get revenge on Kakashi. He was injured, there was a huge risk for infection, and his wrists were bound so tightly he was sure it would dig into his flesh. He didn’t have the impression that the kunoichi had any plans on torturing him, but he couldn’t be too sure after just one small talk with her. He didn’t exactly expect to be treated particularly well either. 

Iruka wanted to look around the room for anything that could be used to help him escape but was limited by what he could feel with his legs as there was not a single source of light in the room. 

After feeling around for a bit and trying to loosen his restraints, Iruka gave up. There was nothing he could do, he would just have to wait and hope for an opportunity to present itself. 

* * *

The lock clicked, and the door opened after what Iruka could only assume was four to five hours later. He had managed to get a quick nap in to his relief because he had been in constant pain and had felt completely exhausted. 

The same woman from earlier stood in the doorway with a tray in her hands, with food and a candle on it that lit up her face. Even though the light wasn’t particularly strong, he still had to squint his eyes as he had been sitting in total darkness for a while. She stood there for a few moments regarding him before stepping into the room and placing the tray on a table he didn’t notice earlier next to the door. 

“I will not hand feed you, so I will extend the wires for you, but don’t think of doing anything funny. That will be a fight you won’t win.” She stared strictly down at him, almost like he was a kid that needed scolding. He vaguely wondered if she had kids.

Iruka sighed and nodded. He didn’t have the energy to do anything at the moment anyway, and without the ability to mold chakra, he would have to depend on taijutsu. 

The kunoichi walked to him and grabbed the chakra wire where it was connected to the wall and loosened it, letting the academy teacher lower his arms and rub his wrists. He studied the knots on the wire while the kunoichi fastened the wire to the wall again. 

“You won’t be able to unbind them, they are infused with a jutsu that needs my chakra to loosen them, so spare yourself the effort. There is no point in even trying.” She said while stepping back and grabbing the tray, putting it in front of Iruka on the floor. 

She sounded tired, almost defeated. When he met her in the woods, she looked like evil itself, and the malicious grin she had the first time she entered this chamber had given Iruka the creeps. But as he was looking at her now, she almost looked like a normal woman who had a lot on her plate. 

“Why are you doing this?” Iruka asked then.

“What feeding you? I thought I told you the plan, can’t have you dying of starvation within the first week can we?” Her eyebrow was raised and she was looking at him as he just asked the most stupid question there was.

“No, why do you hate Kakashi so much you feel the need to seek revenge?”

Her expression didn’t change at that until she turned her head, looking at the opposite wall instead, crossed her arms and leaned against the doorframe. 

“My parents died when I was nine, and it left me to fend for myself and my little sister who was four at the time. She was all I had left after all.” She sighed and turned her head and looked at him again. 

“I raised her, and we were close. Family stick together you know.” 

She paused for a moment, and Iruka waited for her to continue. 

“About 3 years ago, the Copy-nin came into our territory and stole a scroll. She was on the team that was sent to retrieve it.” The last part was spat out in disgust. 

“Anyway, he stole from us and killed her when they tried to negotiate it back. From what I heard, he didn’t even hesitate, despite the team being on orders not to kill, just retrieve. They were in his way and killing them was a simple solution.” She raised her voice and slammed her fist into the wall. 

Iruka stared at her with wide eyes. Iruka knew Kakashi hated killing people and would only resort to it as the last solution. Killing a negotiation team didn’t sound like him at all unless it obviously threatened his own life. The woman in front of him was obviously convinced otherwise. 

The look on her face right now was a deadly one, and Iruka felt his hair rise off his skin when she crouched down in front of him and forcefully grabbed his chin. Iruka instinctively grabbed her arms, but she didn’t care as she continued. 

“And guess what? When we confronted your Hokage about it in the search for justice, we were told it was their own fault for putting their feet inside the fire country.” The Kunoichi released him suddenly and looked at him with disgust. 

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Iruka said. 

“Ha! Yeah well, I’m sorry too. You are the one who’s been screwed by the monster.” Her malicious grin was back. She leaned towards him, noses almost touching as she said.

“You are just as disgusting for even being around the man, and I will enjoy every moment of you both suffering”. 

She retreated and turned to leave. 

“Eat the food, I’ll leave your restraints extended. There is a bucket in the corner for you to do your business. I’ll have a look at your wound in the morning.” She slammed the door and locked it. The air caused by the movement almost killed the flame of the candle placed on the tray in front of him.

Iruka sighed and slumped against the wall behind him. He didn’t agree with the woman, but that’s because he simply didn’t believe in revenge. That line of thought would only cause suffering. But he could understand her. 

When the nine-tailed fox had killed his parents, he had been angry, and he had let that anger out on Naruto despite it not being the boy’s fault. Naruto was a hero the day he was born for simply taking the seal with the beast in it, saving the village. Iruka hadn’t seen it that way until he got to know the poor child. Naruto had been dealing with great injustice his entire life, and not even knowing the reason for it. So he understood the woman’s anger. Because she didn’t know Kakashi. She didn’t know that Kakashi hated killing people and that he would never do so unless he found no other way. Either way. Her sister is dead and nothing is worse than the pain than losing loved ones. Iruka didn’t know what happened that day three years ago, but he knew this woman most likely did not have all the facts or simply ignored them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that there is no Kakashi in this chapter still, but he will be in the next one! 
> 
> Thank you all for leaving your lovely kudos and comments. <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Want to know a secret? I don't own a pc, this is all written on my phone >_<

Kakashi decided to take it slow for his last part of the trip back to Konoha. He could now see the gates to the village in the distance, but rather than speeding up his phase, he slowed down.  
  
He was not looking forward to being back. Almost 7 months in Suna negotiating with their newly made Kazekage Gaara had been what he needed at the time, but he also wished it had been even longer. Now he was almost back home.  
  
After Iruka had packed his bags and moved from their shared apartment Kakashi had the very next morning gone to the Hokage requesting a long term mission. Once he arrived at the tower, it almost felt as if Tsunade had been expecting him and conveniently already had a mission that fit his request ready for him. The forms with his name and everything necessary already filled out. While going over the mission details, she had looked at him with a saddened look on her face, so Kakashi assumed she already had an idea why he wanted to get away, though she never said anything about it. She clearly knew him well enough to not mention it.  
  
The gates were getting closer and he dreaded having to go back to his apartment. It held too many memories of his time with Iruka and he had not taken the time to move somewhere else before he left.  
  
The gate guards were Izumo and Kotetsu, and Kakashi had more than once wondered how those two managed their schedule. He swore he saw them more often enough on the mission roster, patrol duty, mission desk, and even prison guards. He couldn’t blame Kotetsu for taking a nap where they sat in the welcome boot because he couldn’t imagine them having the time to actually sleep much.  
  
Once Izumu noticed him his eyes widened and he knocked Kotetsu awake with his elbow. Said person woke up with a start and muttered annoyed at his friend, but his complaints seemed to die on his tongue the second he saw Kakashi. Kakashi raised an eyebrow at their behavior as they seemed to behave more oddly than usual, but changed it to his signature eye smile a few seconds later.  
  
“Yo!”  
  
“You’re back!” Kotetsu replied so fast and sudden, looking absolutely horrified by said fact. Had Kakashi been a lesser Ninja, he would have jumped at the loud and quick remark.  
  
Now Kakashi was curious, what rumors have been going around about him this time for these two to act like he was on the verge of killing them? Last time someone had pranked the guys (he had suspected Iruka at the time even though the chunin had declared complete innocence) that they had made a mistake in the paperwork that sent Kakashi in the wrong direction. Whoever pranked them had them convinced that Kakashi promised them a lifetime of misery as he supposedly ended up in the cold land of iron instead of the warmth of Suna. Kakashi still remembers their scared looking faces when he had returned from a successful mission.  
  
“Well, yes I am. Should I not be?” Kakashi replied in his usual bored tone looking at them blankly.  
  
Kotetsu only gaped at him while Izumo seemed to hurry to look through the forms in front of him. Kotetsu was about to say something more when Izumo once again elbowed him in the stomach, this time to make him shut up.  
  
“The Hokage has informed us to let you know that you will be giving your report to her tomorrow at noon.” Izumo said rather stiffly when handing him a scroll with the details.  
  
The two were obviously bothered by something that had something to do with him but Kakashi decided not to ask. He thanked them before heading back to the apartment to drop off his things, and grab a much-needed shower.  
  
  
Kakashi paused at the front door. Memories of Iruka jumping into his arms of joy to welcome him home after a mission, no matter how long he had been away, surfaced. Iruka would always be happy to see him back home and alive. This time when he opened the door, nobody would be there to greet him.  
  
Kakashi leaned forward and rested his forehead on the door, trying to gather his courage to open it. He truly had screwed things up. The mission in Suna hadn’t been one full of action and had left him plenty of time to think of how he handled it all, and he felt more disgusted with himself as a new day went by. He wasn’t the only one suffering from Sasuke leaving the village. Iruka had been Sasuke's sensei too, and the brunette cared so much for all his students. Sasuke was one of his special ones as Naruto valued Sasuke’s friendship as much as he did. Instead, Kakashi had taken all the guilt for himself, shutting his lover out because he couldn’t help but feel like he was infecting the Academy teacher with his curse.  
  
After the incident Kakashi had closed in on himself, not letting Iruka in on how he was dealing with it all. Iruka had known of course, because the loving man had taken fewer hours at the mission desk that first month and tended to Kakashi’s every need, despite how Kakashi treated him back. After Kakashi had told him to back off, Iruka had done so to give Kakashi the space he needed to deal the way he wanted to. Only he hadn’t dealt with it. It got even worse. Kakashi’s mind had started playing on his fears of Iruka getting hurt because of him, and that fear had been so overwhelming he tried to shut the man out even more. Kakashi had felt close to breaking at that point, and having his fear of losing Iruka fuel it made it unbearable.  
  
Kakashi had decided then that he needed to leave the chunin to protect him from potential enemies. But every time he tried to say the words, they got stuck in his throat. The way Iruka looked at him, so full of love and concern made it impossible for Kakashi to give it up. As time went by, the fear grew, and Kakashi grew angry at himself for not being able to say the words he needed to say, and in his twisted mind, he had blamed Iruka for it. If Iruka had been less loving, then maybe he could have done what he needed too for his own sanity, but he simply couldn’t get himself to give up on Iruka that he loved back so much. He had been incredibly selfish.  
  
He sighed. It was time for him to open the door and get on with it. Once he stepped inside the memories of the last time he saw the chunin came to mind and he closed his eyes as if it would block the wave of guilt that washed over him.  
  
Kakashi knew he had reached the breaking point that night because the words he had shouted in Iruka’s face had been such horrible ones. He also knew he had managed to scare his lover on top of that, by letting his feelings flow through the chakra he hadn't been able to conceal. The fear in Iruka’s eyes had been heartbreaking, and Kakashi had screamed in frustration for not being able to control his feelings around the gorgeous man.  
  
Kakashi opened his eye and took a deep breath. Tomorrow after reporting to Tsunade he would look for a new place to live. This place held too many memories, good and bad ones, and Kakashi knows he can’t survive living here anymore. He would grab a shower and change his clothes, before leaving to visit the memorial stone. Obito and Minato always had some wise words to share with him and help him deal.  
  


* * *

  
Kakashi was relieved when he saw nobody else at the stone filled with the names of the lost heroes of the village. He would be able to mourn alone and speak out loud with his friends and sensei. He walked up to it and traced their name with his fingers before taking a step back again.  
  
“Yo Obito, Rin, Minato-sensei... and Kushina. I suppose I might as well share with you too since Minato-sensei would tell you everything anyway.”  
  
Kakashi paused, imagining their greetings and Minato’s embarrassment for being called out by his student.  
  
“A lot has happened since the last time I was here visiting you. I’ve been to Suna for almost 7 months. Naruto’s friend Gaara became Kazekage and I was sent to negotiate a peace treaty between our countries. Your son is one of the reasons we're able to do that.” He knew Minato and Kushina would be incredibly proud of their son, so Kakashi always made sure to mention his progress. Kakashi looked at his feet wondering if he should share the other details of his life.  
  
“I Uhm... I and Iruka broke up. I was going to ask him to marry me but I didn't deal with Sasuke’s betrayal very well and ended up breaking our relationship.” He scratched his head wondering how he should proceed. It felt nice to share it with someone, even if they were his dead friends.  
  
He continued to share updates of his life and his fears around loving Iruka. At the end of it, it felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and it became easier to breathe. They talked for a while and they decided together that it was only fair that Kakashi talked to Iruka, letting the man know how he still felt and apologize for how he handled everything. They agreed that It probably would take Iruka a lot more to forgive him, but that not only Kakashi needed the closure, but that Iruka deserved it as well.  
  
Kakashi looked at Obito’s name, imaging the boy pulling his hair in frustration. Minato’s sighing putting a hand on his shoulder telling him it will be ok, and Kushina pushing them both aside and pulling Kakashi into a soul-crushing hug.  
  
Kakashi thanked them for listening and sharing their advice. He was about to turn around to go when he looked towards the more newly added names to the stone out of habit. Part to pay his respects, but also to stay somewhat updated on recent losses. They were his comrades, and they all fought for a common goal to keep Konoha safe.  
  
Kakashi’s mind went blank when he saw the one name he absolutely did not want to see there. The engraving was fairly fresh indicating it was very recently added. Kakashi blinked a few times, sure he was seeing it wrong, and that it was something conjured by his own treacherous mind. Only the name didn't disappear. Kakashi even traced the name with his fingers to make sure. The name that belongs to the man he had just decided to right his wrongs too was so very real.  
  
Kakashi couldn't breathe. He fell to his knees, one hand and fingers digging into the frozen ground. The other hand clutching his chest as a pain, nothing like what he had ever felt before took hold. He didn't understand. Nothing made sense. This simply could not be happening.  
  
Droplets of water hit the ground below him, and in the back of his mind, he thought the sky was weeping with him for the loss of the most extraordinary person. A person who was so precious to so many, but especially to him.  
  
Kakashi fell to the side and rolled over to his back facing the crying sky above him as his body failed to keep him upright. Still not able to catch a breath. Only there was no rain.  
  
The world around him went black, the name was the only thing floating through his mind.  
  
Umino Iruka.  
  


* * *

  
When Kakashi came too again, he was no longer lying on the ground in front of the memorial stone. The surface underneath him was soft and comfortable. His throat felt sore like he had been eating dirt for the last week, and he could hear some sounds and smell the scent of tea from what he only assumed was a kitchen nearby.  
  
He slowly opened his eyes and carefully scanned his surroundings. He didn't feel threatened, but a lifetime of being a shinobi made him cautious. Kakashi was not one to take unnecessary risks. He relaxed when he recognized where he was and slowly moved to sit up on the couch, waiting for the other person to enter the room.  
  
Recent events came back to him and Kakashi leaned forward, putting his face in his hands. He could feel tears that threatened to surface and he tried his best to focus on his breathing to stop them from escaping. All he wanted to do was to scream out in despair, frustration, and anguish. Instead, a sob escaped him, which then turned into many more.  
  
The seat next to him dipped down as someone sat down on the couch with him and pulled their arm around his shoulder rubbing their hand up and down his arm, pulling him close into their embrace.  
  
An instinct in him told him he should pull away and get a hold of himself, embarrassed to let anyone see him like this. Instead, when the person tightened their hold on him he found himself leaning into the touch and letting go. Sobs filled the otherwise silent apartment and his body shook from the devastating loss.  
  
They sat like that for some time until Kakashi was finally able to calm himself down and stop the tears from flowing. His mind and body felt numb, which was almost a relief from the mental pain he felt just a few moments ago. He felt extremely uncomfortable showing anyone this side of him, but he knew that Gai would never judge him for it.  
  
Kakashi pulled away, unable to look up at his friend, also knowing he easily would break down once again if he were to see the heartbroken look on Gai's face.  
  
Gai loved Iruka too. Not romantically, but as a very dear friend. Iruka had never looked at him like he was weird or annoying, but rather as someone he admired. Iruka enjoyed hanging out with Gai and invited him often over just to hang out. They were a good pair, Gai with his challenges and Iruka with his pranks. They would both drive Kakashi crazy sometimes, though he always secretly loved it and was incredibly happy to see his best friend and lover get along so well.  
  
Gai handed him a napkin. Kakashi still wasn't able to look at him but grabbed it as he lowered his mask to wipe his tears and nose.  
  
They sat like that for a minute, neither of them saying anything and just using the silence to gather their thoughts and feelings. Gai simply offering Kakashi comfort with his presence, knowing how Kakashi hated to express himself with words, or simply wouldn't want to. Sometimes he wondered if Kakashi simply was unable too. He also knew that Kakashi would have questions once he was ready to wrap his mind around it.  
  
"What.. What happened?" Kakashi finally managed to force out. His voice was broken and raspy from emotions and the after-effects of breaking down moments earlier.  
  
Gai didn't respond straight away, most likely working out how to explain it all.  
  
Kakashi turned slightly so that he could observe his friend in the corner of his eyes and saw the other man stare into his cup of tea, thinking about Kakashi's question. Seeing the familiar green jumpsuit was strangely comforting in the situation.  
  
"He took a border patrol mission on the borders of the Land of Rivers." Gai's voice was full of emotion as he tried to explain.  
  
"When Konoha didn't get their weekly report, they sent the nearest team to investigate. The entire team was killed. I don't know the details, but I believe Tsunade did put time aside tomorrow at noon for you. I will come with you."  
  
Kakashi didn't respond straight away trying to understand why Iruka was out there in the first place, though he had a fairly good idea. It wasn't a logic that needed a genius.  
  
Iruka absolutely loved the holidays. Naruto being away and the split with Kakashi meant he didn't have any close family to celebrate with. Iruka's way of coping when things got hard was to throw himself into his work and keep himself busy to avoid thinking too much. A trait Kakashi had picked up rather fast after they had started dating.  
  
"How long?" He asked. Realizing he didn't know how long the person he loved had been dead.  
  
"About 3 weeks ago." Gai replied, almost a bit hesitant.  
  
Kakashi closed his eyes and focused on his breathing. Gai started to rub his back. Kakashi who normally hated any sort of physical contact unless it was with Iruka, found it strangely comforting.  
  
"I was gonna ask him to marry me before I screwed it up." Kakashi found himself saying, still keeping his eyes closed.  
  
Gai hummed at that. "I know."  
  
Kakashi nodded. Gai a lot of times seemed to know what he planned before Kakashi did himself.  
  
"The spare bedroom is ready for you and I already brought some of your stuff over." Gai stood and walked over to the hallway where he grabbed his vest getting ready to head out.  
  
"Where are you headed?" Kakashi asked then, not sure if he wanted to be alone with his thoughts or not.  
  
Gai turned towards him before his face broke out in a huge blinding grin while doing his famous pose.  
  
"To remain strong and healthy in the time of our springtime of youth I will bring home something for us to eat!" He replied in his typical boisterous voice.  
  
Kakashi still having his mind rocketing in all directions was having difficulty keeping up by the sudden change of mood and just stared blankly at him. Gai didn't seem to mind as he exited the place.  
  
Gai might be his exact opposite, but he truly was a good friend who seemed to know Kakashi better than himself sometimes. He might be loud and annoying most of the time, but he was someone he could always depend on when it counted. The silver-haired Jonin threw himself back into the couch with a groan, arm resting over his eyes. Thoughts of food did not tempt him at all.  
  
Everything hurt and his emotions were still on complete overload. He felt like throwing up, slam a fist in a wall, breaking something, curl up in a ball.  
  
But most of all, he felt like dying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your lovely comments and kudos! I appreciate it loads! You all make my day! <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another day in Kakashi's life :'(

The next morning Kakashi was not feeling any better. Letting everything out the previous day had helped him feel more in control, but the knowledge of Iruka being gone was a constantly resurfacing realization that threw him off every time. It felt even worse when the massive wave of guilt washed over him on top of the sorrow.

He had so many regrets and questions pulling him in all directions when it came to Iruka.

What if he had rejected Iruka and never pursued a relationship all those years ago? Would Iruka still be alive? Or would he have been lonely regardless because Naruto was gone and still taken the mission?

Why did anyone kill Iruka and his team in the first place? Was it in spite of Konoha? Did the patrol team stumble upon them and got killed as a result? What if they had gone after Iruka because of him? The last thought was a recurring one which made his head spin. If Iruka died because someone wanted revenge on Kakashi, he knew he would not be able to live with himself.

He really hoped Tsunade would have some answers.

But most of all, Kakashi regretted the way things had ended between them.

Kakashi loved him, more than he had loved anyone. Iruka had truly completed him, and Kakashi liked to think he completed Iruka too. Things hadn't been all sunshine always but they had been happy regardless. They were both too stubborn to not have any regular arguments, but they never managed to stay mad at each other for long.

He really regretted not being able to deal with Sasuke's betrayal and for pushing Iruka away as a result. Iruka loved him, and Kakashi had thrown that aside. He hated the thought of Iruka dying without setting things right first. Not for his own sake, but because he knew how much he hurt Iruka.

He also regretted going to Suna for the mission, thinking that maybe, just maybe, if he had stayed he could have pulled his head out of the gutter earlier and corrected some of his mistakes, and maybe it could have stopped Iruka from leaving Konoha. He threw away his relationship with Iruka because he was scared his enemies would use that weakness against him. It had been a worry he had brought up with his lover more than once in the past, but Iruka always told him he was still worth the risk.

He told him it was worth the risk because being with Kakashi for a short time was better than a long life without him. Iruka had proceeded to tell him that he never knew love like theirs could exist, where just the thought of Kakashi would brighten his day and how being with him made him feel content and safe.

And what had happened?

Kakashi pushed him away, and the last six months of the chunins life must have been full of confusion because of how Kakashi just suddenly shut him out, and heartbroken because of the result of that. As much as they loved and cared for each other, even Iruka had his limits, which is why he had left in the end.

Kakashi felt like pulling his hair out in frustration because no matter how much he thought about it, it didn't change the fact that what's happened, happened. There was no way of changing it and that fact hurt like a hundred kunai piercing his chest.

Iruka was gone, and he did not know how to deal with that fact.

He wanted to storm Tsunade's office right now and demand more answers, but at the same time, he didn't feel ready for it.

Kakashi turned where he was lying in the bed in Gai's guest room facing the ceiling. He was immensely grateful for not having to go back to his apartment. It had not been a great sleep, but he had managed to get a couple of hours in, simply exhausted from all the feelings flowing through him. He had tried to distract himself with Icha Icha but with no success. Everything just reminded him of the person he would never be able to see again.

* * *

Gai accompanied Kakashi to the tower and they were now sitting in front of the Hokage's desk while Tsunade was digging through her papers to get all the information ready. Kakashi had for once been there on time, early even. Tsunade had not asked for his report from Suna, so he assumed she had all the details from that already.

Once she found what she seemed to be looking for, she gave him a stern look. But if you looked closely enough you could also notice concern. Kakashi just stared back blankly, determined to not show any weaknesses in front of his leader. He had no doubt she saw straight through his facade though.

She did have a soft spot for Kakashi, but he started to wonder how she felt every time one of her shinobi did not make it back home. She was after all the one that sent them on these missions. This was not about him, but about Iruka and the rest of the team.

When she didn't say anything Kakashi decided to be the one breaking the silence.

"What happened to Iruka?"

All strength seemed to leave her body as she leaned back and rubbed her temples.

"Three weeks ago, Yamamoto Asami, Ito Daisuke, Saito Kira, and Umino Iruka failed to send a weekly report from the border. I then proceeded to send the closest patrol team to their location to check on them."

She paused and studied him for a moment before continuing.

"The team arrived and found two locations which seemed to have had two separate battles. There were three bodies at the camp, all of them burned, most likely to hide any evidence. We were able to identify two of them by the Konoha hitai-ates while the third body is a mystery. We were unable to find anything identifying on the body of where and who it belonged to."

Kakashi felt frozen in place where he sat, anger running through his veins and strangely satisfied that the team managed to take down at least one of the enemies.

"The other location was a short distance from the camp, and we found two dead bodies, also burned with the only thing identifying them being their Konoha hitai-ates."

Kakashi closed his eyes, the enemies had destroyed Iruka's beautiful body with flames. It was an image he had big troubles with accepting. Oh, how he really hoped Iruka hadn't suffered. Kakashi had to focus on his breath again to get a hold of the explosive anger that was currently roaming through his veins.

"I proceeded with sending in a team with some of our best trackers to see if they could find any leads. But they all came up empty. We studied the extra body, hoping to find anything that could give us a clue to who they were, but we came up with nothing. I am really sorry Kakashi, but we have not been able to bring justice to this case yet. They covered their tracks well.”

Kakashi opened his eye to meet her gaze. He was angry. Angry for Iruka dying. Angry for not being able to bring who did it to justice, but most of all angry at himself.

“I understand.” He simply replied. Because he did. He understood that Iruka would still be alive and safe in the village if it hadn’t been for him.

Gai put a hand on his shoulder. “It wasn’t your fault either Kakashi. Sometimes these things happen that are out of our control. I know you are going through thousands of different scenarios of how you could have done things differently to avoid it from happening. But none of us can predict the future Kakashi, dwelling on what we could have done, doesn’t help anyone. Not me, not you, and not that team.”

Gai paused seeming to think of what to say next.

“The border to the Land of Rivers is the most peaceful one, we haven’t had any real threat from them in a long time, and with the Wind country being behind it… Well, statistically it couldn’t have been predicted.”

“We have talked to the leaders of the River country, and we have no reason to suspect they are behind it. We have also talked with Gaara the Kazekage and he has promised to keep an extra eye on the river country's borders as well.” Tsunade pointed out.

Kakashi nodded at that. He knew Gai was right, and he was happy that Tsunade had done some measures at least. He wondered how long Gaara had known because Kakashi had seen him just a few days ago.

“You told the Kazekage not to tell me?”

Tsunade nodded at that. “We thought it was best if you received the news at home surrounded by friends, and where we could answer your questions more easily. We never planned on you finding out by visiting the memorial stone.”

Kakashi gritted his teeth. It sounded reasonable, but he wished he had known earlier.

“What about Naruto, does he know?”

“No, I haven’t told him yet. I have informed Jiraiya, but he thinks it's best to wait till they have a better grasp of the situation with the nine-tails."

Kakashi frowned at that. It made sense, but he hated knowing that Naruto was left unaware. He closed his eyes again and rubbed his temples.

"I want in on the case." He simply stated.

"Hell no, you don't! First of all, we have nothing to go by, second, you are too emotionally involved."

"We broke up." He tried to argue.

"Like that makes a goddamn difference. You guys could never stop loving each other, no matter what distance you put between you. You two had something incredibly rare." Tsunade said with annoyance clear in her voice but the last part had a softness to it. Gai just simply nodded in agreement.

Kakashi couldn't really argue with that, he knew it was true. What he and Iruka had, not many people got to have that. They could yell and slam doors in each other faces daily, but they would still be happy, knowing none of them could let go.

Realization of how hurt Iruka really must have been came over him. God! He had thought he was selfish for staying with Iruka, but the truth was he had been selfish for pushing him away. Because of his fears, his own feelings. He never really considered how hurt Iruka would have been.

Kakashi groaned in frustration and Gai squeezed his shoulder.

"Let's go home." Gai looked at Tsunade for confirmation and she gave him a nod of approval.

Kakashi rose, Gai motioned them to move to the door. Kakashi hesitated. He wanted to be alone to process the information and loss. So instead of following Gai out the door, his body flickered away.

* * *

About an hour later Kakashi found himself on the mountaintop where he had brought Iruka that one time. The sun was still tall in the sky, so it was easy to make out the surroundings. Since it was mid-winter, the trees and ground were covered with colorful leaves and yellow grass instead of the summerly green. The tall mountains in the far distance were the only places with any hint of snow on them.

The air was chilly, but Kakashi barely noticed. He felt devastated and numb. He knew the facts, but the reality was still struggling to take a grip. Everything in him screamed how it couldn't be true, that Iruka was still alive out there.

He went over the information over and over. All the bodies had been burned, where the only way of identification had been the metal from their hitai-ate, but what if Iruka had managed to escape? What if none of those five bodies was Iruka?

Kakashi couldn't help but hope, no matter how irrational it was. Team of 4 and 4 Konoha hitai-ates should be enough proof of what had occurred. But it wasn't.

Kakashi couldn't help but feel like Iruka was still alive.

Kakashi knew all about the 5 stages of grief and loss. And knew he was in denial. A part of him was screaming that he was in denial of being in denial but really he knew better.

He trusted his comrades, knowing they would have found and followed every lead if there were any. But he couldn't help but worry that they might have missed something. Something important.

Like Iruka being alive despite the obvious evidence.

Iruka loved this place. Kakashi remembered the grin and excitement on Iruka's face when they reached the top and the chunin had noticed the picnic set up. He also remembered the awe on his face when he had focused on the view.

Kakashi looked at it now. It was still beautiful, but nowhere close to what it was that day when Iruka was a part of it. That day had felt so radiant and colorful with his own excitement fueling it when Iruka had grabbed his hand and leaned against him. They sat there for a while, just enjoying feeling the other close, the warmth of the sun and an unforgettable view. The way Iruka's eyes crinkled when he smiled, the way the hair moved with the breeze, how his body felt against his.

Now it all just looked grey, like the world was mourning his loss with him. He had no right to feel this way, after all, they had broken up. But he still did and couldn't help it.

His thoughts went to his dad. And Kakashi felt like he maybe understood it now. Understood feeling like there was no place in this world for him. Like he had failed those closest to him.

He was tired. Tired of people he cared about, constantly leaving him, tired of feeling constant guilt, tired of failing. Tired of always being terrified for those closest to him.

He had failed team 7, and he had failed Iruka.

Kakashi never regretted his career path, he simply didn't know anything else he'd rather do than protect his village and the people in it. But he secretly hated it. Hated the risk it brought to him, his friends, and his comrades. He hated how there were always new names on the memorial stone or new graves that did not belong to people that grew old.

He closed his eyes and focused on how the chilled air surrounding him. He was still alive and he hated it. He couldn't stop his treacherous brain from thinking maybe his dad was right. That there was nothing in this world for them, that maybe death was where they belonged. Death would take all these feelings away and maybe he would be able to see Iruka and his other loved ones again.

No.

He went through the loss of his dad, and it had broken his heart and soul knowing his dad gave up on him, that Kakashi was not enough to make his dad want to live. Kakashi had no kids, but he had people who cared for him, people who would feel the similar loss he felt if he took the easy way out.

He could never do that to his friends, he had been enough selfish in his lifetime, and he had made himself a promise that he would never be that again. They had recently lost one friend, they did not deserve to lose another one.

And Iruka…. Iruka would be so disappointed in him.

It hurt, oh it hurt so damn much. So much Kakashi could barely bare it. Iruka was gone and Kakashi would never be able to make more memories with him. He would have to live with those memories they already had together, and for now, that had to be enough.

It wouldn't be, he knew that. But it had to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you might be confused when it comes to the explanations about the bodies, but know that it will all make sense later, and this part had been planned from chapter 1.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Iruka be killed or will he finally be rescued?

Nothing he did made a difference. No matter how hard he pulled on his restraints, he simply couldn't get them loose. He was fed one tiny meal a day which mostly just consisted of rice and occasionally a vegetable now and then. It wasn't very filling or nutritious, and it was really starting to tear on his body.

His captors had tightened the restraints on his wrists once already, because his severe weight loss had made them rather loose at one point. Iruka had tried to hide it, but he had unfortunately not been able to fool them. Once they had caught him almost getting one arm free, they had been rather rough with him, breaking three of his fingers on his right hand as a warning. He also assumed he was sporting a new and rather nasty black eye; as it was so swollen he could barely look through it. He feared his nose was broken as well as it was very sore.

He had learned their names by now. The kunoichi went by the name Himari and the other shinobi were called Yuito. They were originally a group of four, but they were now down to two after the battle on the border. Asami had managed to kill one of their friends at the camp before she was taken down herself, and then there was the man Iruka had managed to kill by slicing his throat open. The remaining two didn't seem very devastated by the fact, so Iruka assumed they weren't particularly close. Probably a group that had come together for a common goal, rather than a group of close friends leaving their village together. If that goal was solely to get revenge on Kakashi, or if they had more they wanted to accomplish, Iruka had no clue. Himari liked to share, but she did have some restraints.

Yuito seemed completely indifferent with Iruka; like he couldn't care less about his presence there. He had been the one who had tended to his shoulder wound and healed it the day after Iruka woke up. The man didn't talk much, and his attitude somewhat reminded the chunin of Sasuke. He didn't necessarily treat him badly but there was no indication that Iruka could make the other man help him.

Himari was a puzzle. Her mood could shift within seconds. Sometimes she was somewhat nice and looked as she felt sorry for him. The next moment she was like the devil itself and made sure Iruka knew his place and situation. Often when she had that look, she would tell him how she looked forward to presenting his dead body to Kakashi. It would make his hairs rise and Iruka had no doubt that she meant it. He still hadn't figured out what triggered her different moods. It seemed random and it was unsettling.

They often left the door open to let him have some light when they were about to his relief. He hated the absolute darkness the room left him in when they closed the door. They also left the restraints long enough for him to be able to move around a little bit. At the start, he thought it had been an opportunity to help him escape but whatever jutsu she had put on them, it was strong and wouldn't budge.

Now he doubted he ever would. Nobody had come to rescue him and he was getting more tired and weaker as the days passed due to the lack of food and nutrition. They gave him plenty of water which was good, but not enough. Every day that went by, made it more difficult for him to escape.

It did not help that he also was starting to feel rather grumpy and frustrated. His face and fingers hurt like hell. He had managed to put his fingers back into what looked like a normal position, but he was no medic-nin, and couldn't be sure if it was done properly or not. He was also covered in grime and dirt, and he felt desperate for a shower and a chance to brush his teeth. He had used some of the water to try to clean himself up and rinse his mouth, but it wasn't overly successful.

His body was itching all over. Especially his face where the facial hair had been given a chance to grow freely. He was now sporting a beard and he hated it as he found it incredibly uncomfortable. There was a reason he never grew one before. Lucky for him they emptied the bucket left for him to relieve himself in, every day, and made sure to leave him some toilet paper. It seemed like it was a stench even they wanted nothing to do with.

His hair tie was gone and his hair was so full of knots he doubted he would be able to get them out without cutting it. Not that it really mattered, he just couldn't remember ever having short hair.

Iruka was starting to lose hope of getting out there alive. He had tried making friends with his captors with the hopes to earn sympathy and convince them to let him go as a potential tactic. But Yuito simply didn't seem to care at all and Himari's mood was so all over the place he got nowhere with her.

Yes, he was losing hope and was starting to think he might as well give up and accept his fate. He had so little energy and all he felt like was sleeping. He couldn't escape on his own and nobody had come for him yet, and he doubted anybody would.

He was stuck, dirty, tired and starving. Closing his eyes to sleep was the only escape right now and he took advantage of that as often he could.

Himari had said they would kill him in a month or two. It was past a month since he was taken, and knowing they could decide to end him at any time made him extremely jumpy and constantly terrified. Every time one of them came by to check on him Iruka couldn't help but think that this is it, this is the day he dies. The longer it went on, the worse the anxiety got.

Iruka would die for Konoha if need be, but it didn't mean he wanted to. He wanted to live. He certainly did not want to die to get back at his ex-lover.

He had several times considered to tell them the truth, that he and Kakashi haven't even seen each other for the past half year and that it was in fact over between them. But several reasons had him keep his mouth shut and play along.

If they were to believe Kakashi wouldn't be as affected by his death as they assumed, they might cut it short and kill him earlier. Then there was the fact he had a hard time believing Kakashi wouldn't care.

Yes, he still believed Kakashi no longer loved him, because if Kakashi did, then Iruka had expected him to come to his senses by now and at least explain what happened. Kakashi hadn't, but he still had a hard time believing 4 years together meant nothing.

He knew Sasuke's betrayal was a big part of why Kakashi shut him out, but why it mattered for their relationship, the chunin still struggled to understand. Iruka had tried so hard to move on, to find joy in life without Kakashi. He had been okay before they got together, and he had hoped he would be okay when it was over. But the devastation from losing the person he loved so dearly and not knowing why, was incredibly difficult to move past. If Iruka had a single moment to stop and let his thoughts wander in those directions the heartache took hold. Iruka was tired of feeling sad and broken all the time, so he always made sure to keep himself busy with other things.

It would work for a while, but there were always moments in the day, especially when he went to bed alone, that the thoughts and memories could no longer be chased away. He would lie awake for hours before his mind decided to settle down and let him sleep.

He had considered trying dating again, but could never get himself to do it. Nobody could live up to his time with Kakashi, and it would not be fair to that person to always be compared to that.

But Kakashi had no more love for him anymore, and he pushed Iruka away. Kakashi himself had told him the last time they saw each other that he was tired of Iruka and his stupid, caring, and obsessive personality. Iruka had been desperate for answers and Kakashi had called his behavior possessive, and childish, and said he have had enough of it.

They had been happy before that though, hadn't they? What changed when Sasuke left? Iruka had seen how much the betrayal had affected Kakashi and tried his best to support his lover in every way possible. Instead, Kakashi simply started to seem annoyed at having Iruka around. Iruka didn't think he was overbearing, but what if he had been? Maybe he was pushy without realizing and Kakashi simply couldn't bear it anymore. Iruka had then done his best to back off after that, but that hadn't made much of a difference. Kakashi had avoided him more and more, and it hurt.

There were nights Kakashi didn't come home and after Iruka left, he started wondering if maybe Kakashi was seeing someone else. He hadn't really considered it when they still lived together, because he did not think Kakashi was capable of cheating, but as time went by he couldn't help wondering if he had been naive in that department. It wouldn't be the first time. Iruka considered Mitzuki his best friend, and everyone knew how that turned out. Maybe Iruka really was a bad judge of character. Maybe there had been signs that he simply did not pick up on.

The thought of Kakashi seeking comfort with someone else was breaking him apart, and Iruka did feel incredibly hurt and jealous just thinking of the possibility.

Iruka still had problems sometimes believing it was really over. It just never crossed his mind before the incident that it could happen. But it did. Iruka had not even caught a glimpse of Kakashi since he packed his stuff and moved, and that was a pretty clear sign that the jonin wanted nothing to do with him anymore.

Oh, it hurt, it hurt so bad knowing the love was one-sided. It hurt more than the pain of the broken fingers and his empty and starving stomach. It hurt more than his will to keep fighting.

Iruka was so incredibly tired, he did not even feel like trying to escape anymore. He had no one to fight to get back to anyway. He wasn't a particularly valuable asset to the village either, it would go on just fine without him. His friends would be sad for a while, but they would move on eventually.

Naruto had Jiraiya in his life now. Iruka was probably already replaced on that part too.

Iruka stared at the chakra wire around his wrists. He could move his arms freely, but he couldn't get lose whatever he tried. Whatever that jutsu was, it was solid. Iruka leaned back, resting against the wall while feeling completely defeated. He would die here and his body was going to be left somewhere for Kakashi to find.

If Iruka somehow managed to survive this, he would punch that asshole in the face for making him suffer and for being the reason he was in this situation when they weren't even together anymore. Iruka wanted to hate him, it would have been easier. But the truth is, he had no clue why Kakashi pushed him away. Only assumptions. And since Iruka had determined that he was a bad judge of character, assumptions were not much to go on.

It didn't matter anyway. Iruka would die here, and it's not like he could dwell on it after they killed him.

* * *

Iruka was lying on the floor with barely any energy to sit up when Yuito opened the door with Himari following just behind. The chunin tensed up. It was rare for both of them to enter the chamber at the same time, and that did not bode well with him.

One look at Himari's face told him instantly that she was rather fed up, the anger literally radiating around her, making the air heavy, almost suffocating. Even Yuito was wrinkling his nose at her mood. Iruka wasn't sure if he should sit up as he felt rather exposed and vulnerable where he was lying, or keep as still as possible, fearing that any movement might trigger her temper even more.

He was not left to dwell on that for long as she stomped over to him, lifted him off the floor by his shirt, and slammed him against the wall. He grabbed onto her arms to try to support himself but wasn't quite able to with no strength left in his body. She learned forward sneering at him in frustration.

"You thought I wouldn't find out?! Huh! Imagine my surprise when I meet up with one of our contacts in your precious village, to learn you and the goddamn copy-ninja broke up over half a year ago, and that the monster hasn’t even been in the village for that time huh?" She spat at him.

Iruka was terrified. They had found him out, and this is going to be the day they killed him. He was unable to respond and only stared back at her in horror.

"Then the man walks into the village like he has no care in the world, seeming unaffected by the fact that you are supposedly missing. According to my source, he even spends his nights with someone else."

She was absolutely furious, but Iruka was more upset about the information she provided than the fact that they would likely kill him now. He broke eye contact and looked at the wall to the right of them. Kakashi had moved on with someone else and never went looking for him. Having it confirmed hurt and this time Iruka couldn't hold his tears back. He had felt defeated before, but right now he almost wished for them to kill him quickly so the feelings of heartache would go away.

Himari threw him to the floor. Iruka didn't even bother trying to twist his body for a less painful landing and let his body and head get slammed onto the rocky floor. The pain from the harsh landing was almost a relief from his current mental state.

Himari roared out and started kicking him in the gut. Iruka crouched himself together as an attempt to block her kicks, only to expose his legs and arms instead. Iruka stayed like that when she eventually stopped and the only thing he could hear was her heavy breathing and his own pounding heartbeat.

She grabbed his hair and yanked his head up and spat in his face.

"You were a complete waste of time! He doesn't even care about you! Oh, I pity you, but I can't say I am very surprised. You and I both know what a cold-hearted bastard he is now."

She let go of him, and Iruka's head fell back to the floor with a thump. He had no will left in him anymore, nothing left to fight for. Nobody was coming for him. The realization made him feel numb. He was so easily replaced.

"You disgust me! What a poor example of a shinobi you are. We're leaving. You can stay here to rot on your own."

Iruka heard them both leave the room, shutting the door behind themselves before the sound of the lock being twisted around. They hadn't even bothered to kill him, instead, they were leaving him to die slowly of starvation.

Iruka lied there unmoving, accepting that this was how he was going to die. What he struggled with was the betrayal he felt. And for the first time since being captured and since leaving Kakashi he cried.

The betrayal he felt was overwhelming and it made it feel like someone's fist was inside his chest twisting and crushing his heart. It was now confirmed that the nights Kakashi didn't come home those months before the breakup hadn't just been the Jonin avoiding him and wanting to deal alone, it was Kakashi finding comfort with someone else. Only Iruka just never really believed it til now.

Iruka knew he shouldn't feel this hurt by the fact considering they haven't been together for over 7 months. But he was. He felt absolutely heartbroken. Even a little embarrassed. He was so easily replaced it made him feel like a big joke. He had as much as he could, tried to deny it, hoped Kakashi would seek him out and ask for forgiveness. Hoped that they could go back to how they used to be. But look at him now... there was no wonder Kakashi replaced him.

Iruka missed the way he would catch Kakashi looking at him, love evident in his eyes. The way Kakashi's expression brightened whenever Iruka entered the room, or how Kakashi kissed him like it was the only thing that mattered in the world. But maybe that had been all in Iruka's head all along, made up by wishful thinking. Maybe Iruka was nothing more than someone to tend to Kakashi's sexual needs. Or maybe... maybe he fell in love with someone else.

The tears were pouring down his face now. He had been so naive his entire life. Trusting and loving the wrong people and thinking he mattered to them. Iruka felt angry and for the first time, he felt something that resembled hate towards his ex-lover. Iruka had been so stupid.

Because of Kakashi, Iruka was captured, starved and left to die in this black hole. 4 years he wasted on Kakashi who had lured him into a false sense of securityæ, only to tear it away from him, perfectly timed it with when his other precious person had left the village with someone else, also more talented and important than Iruka.

Replaceable, worthless and a joke of a Konoha shinobi as Himari had put it. He wondered if they would even bother to put his name on the memorial stone.

Exhaustion from the overload of feelings caught up with him. And Iruka felt sleepiness starting to take over. He vaguely wondered if he would be lucky enough to never wake up again and be free from the pain of the world once and for all.

He dreamed of Kakashi's smile. Only it was no longer a loving one, but a mocking one. Of Naruto running towards him of joy, only to run straight past him where Jiraiya was. Of his friends waving to him to join them at the bar, only to find it was someone else next to him. Of his class celebrating him coming home, only to see their new teacher instead.

* * *

Iruka felt weaker than ever when he woke up drained from his emotional state and the hunger from not being fed the day before. He didn't even bother to open his eyes as he knew there was only darkness waiting for him anyway. Iruka knew he didn't have long left, his body and mind were disintegrating. After his dreams, he understood that he had reached a point of depression because of his situation. The depression fueled his insecurities, and he decided he did not want to die with resentment in his heart. He loved his friends, and he loved Naruto. He decided he loved Kakashi too despite everything. He would hold on to the good memories before he fell asleep for eternity. He did not want to die feeling sad and alone.

Suddenly Iruka heard a sound and he pried his eyes open. He squinted his eyes and took a deep breath in surprise when he was met with a source of light. His eyes struggled to focus, but he could recognize the form of a human silhouette in the doorway. Iruka did not move, not knowing if this was a threat or perhaps a rescue. He tried to make his eyes focus on the completely unmoving form. Probably assessing the situation before making any moves themselves.

Suddenly he heard a gasp, and the figure rushed towards him.

"Iruka! Oh my god… you're alive!" Iruka recognized the voice and the relief and shock were evident.

Hands cupped his face. Iruka tried to focus on Genma's face but struggled to keep his eyes open. He felt relieved, but he was so tired and had no energy left in his body to do more than accept that he had been found. He heard Genma call for someone and vaguely noticed someone else enter the room. He barely registered the hands roaming his body looking for injuries. Genma was talking with hushed tones with someone Iruka recognized as Raido's voice.

Iruka decided to let them do their thing while focusing on his own breathing and trying to keep himself awake.

Iruka the felt the tension in the room change and he forced his eyes to open again to see what was going on. He saw Raido looking down on him with a sorrowful look on his face, but there was a hint of a smile there. Iruka would have smiled back, but he couldn’t. Genma was looking towards the door.

"Kakashi, It's Iruka."

The name of Iruka's ex-lover made him snap his head to the side, to see the third person who had entered the room. Kakashi stood in the doorway, seeming frozen in place as he took in the scene before him. Iruka’s head went blank and he didn’t know if he should be happy to finally see Kakashi again, or angry for him being the source of his pain.

Iruka turned away again and decided to focus on his breathing again to stop the thoughts that ran through his head. He felt the exhaustion take a stronger hold of him and knew he wouldn't be able to stay awake for much longer.

He heard some shuffling before it was familiar hands that cupped his face this time, stroking his cheeks. Iruka opened his eyes again to see Kakashi standing over him. Iruka gasped in surprise when he saw the raw emotion in the face of the man he loved. The mask was pulled down and Iruka drank in the beautiful features as he leaned into the touch.

Iruka closed his eyes as he couldn't hold on any longer and let the familiar darkness claim him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled a bit with this chapter, not sure how to do the first interaction between the two. Kakashi's feelings must be rocketing all over the place now :'( 
> 
> Sorry for all the angst. I have struggled with despression myself, and know how your mind isn't really thinking rational when it reaches the really bad points. I can't imagine being in Iruka's situation and not being depressed, especially when you have no way of making it better. 
> 
> But finally, some progress, and a few more chapters until things get's a bit lighter again <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really struggled with this chapter, which is why it took me this long to update, sorry for keeping you all waiting! But hopefully, soon, there can be some real answers and interaction between the two! :o

Kakashi was going insane. He had been taken off the mission rooster as Tsunade claimed he was not in the right state of mind, and would not risk him by sending him on missions. That left him with an awful amount of time to think about things he didn't want to think about, as it constantly tore him apart from the inside. 

He had gone to her begging her for a mission just to be able to focus on something else. Heck, he'd even take a D-rank mission, but Tsunade had claimed she couldn't have one of her best shinobi picking weeds in people’s gardens as it would look bad on her. 

So instead the jonin was left with nothing to do but to rip his hair out, and have his thoughts remind him that the person he loved was dead. He still struggled to accept it, and all he wanted to do was to set out into the woods and look for Iruka, even if it meant ripping everything in his path to shreds. 

He wanted to find whoever had killed his precious person and make sure they suffered in the worst possible way. He would poke their eyes out, skin them alive and stab them a hundred times with a kunai for what they had done. A part of him resented the team Iruka had been with for not keeping him safe, but he knew that was him being unreasonable and he hated himself for even thinking it. Those were his comrades who had also died in the line of duty, and he had no idea what had happened out there.

He had wanted to go to the scene where it all happened and look for clues, but he knew Anbu would have cleaned it all up by now. So instead he was left to do nothing to do, but thinking about it. 

Gai would do his best to keep him busy with silly challenges and intense training, and Kakashi accepted most of the time just to be able to have something else to focus on. But Gai had his own obligations and genin, so he couldn't be around all the time. Not that Kakashi wanted that, because Gai could be a handful, and too much interaction with the man could get a bit too much. But it left him with a lot of time with nothing to do. 

Tenzou had stopped by once to his surprise. Kakashi hadn't seen his Kohai since leaving Anbu, but it was nice to see his old friend again, and distract himself with talk about the old times. He highly suspected that had been the intention, and even if he was too proud to admit it, he welcomed it. 

But today was another day where Kakashi had no one around to distract him. He had been to the memorial stone but struggled to stay for very long, and had instead ended up just taking a walk through the forest and found a tree to relax in. He tried to read, but haven't been able to focus on the words and ended up just closing his eyes and listening to the sounds of the forest. 

He tensed slightly as he felt a chakra signature approach, but relaxed again when he recognized it as not a threat. He let the young girl approach his tree while pretending to not notice. They both knew better, but playing the old game just came naturally for him.

"Kakashi-sensei! I have been looking everywhere for you!" 

Kakashi slowly opened his eye and looked down at the girl on the ground with her hands on her hips, tapping her foot, while scowling up at him. He couldn't quite hold back a smile at the sight, as she reminded him of a mini-Tsunade, but thankfully it was hidden by his mask. 

"Maaa, Sakura I was just saving some baby birds who almost fell out of their nest and decided to babysit till their mom came back" He started. He gestured towards a bird’s nest just above while doing his signature eye smile. 

Sakura turned her attention towards the nest for a moment before looking back at him with a look on her face, telling him she wasn't buying it. 

"So Sakura, what do I owe this pleasure?" He asked when she didn't say anything more. 

"Oh! Right. Tsunade-sama has me working on this technique that requires a lightning jutsu to jump-start people's hearts. Lightning isn't my element, but she said I should be able to do it as it is a fairly simple jutsu." 

Sakura had immediately brightened up as she started talking about it, and Kakashi felt some pride and happiness that at least one of his former students had found their path in life. 

"I am having some trouble with it as I find lightning chakra harder than normal to control. Tsunade-Sama mentioned that you might be able to help me!"

Sakura was sporting a huge grin on her face in excitement and Kakashi found it hard to say no. He also welcomed the distraction but was not about to tell her that. Instead, he decided to leave her hanging a bit while he seemed to think about it. It wasn't till he saw her expression fall a bit he responded. 

"Hmm, well I suppose I have some time today." He replied as he jumped down from his tree. 

"Hnnnnyaaah!" Sakura shouted out while jumping up with one hand up in the air. And Kakashi found himself smiling a little at the familiar antics of his former student. 

They stayed where they were. Sakura showing him the jutsu and told what the problem seemed to be while also explaining to him what it was supposed to do. It took Kakashi himself a few tries to get it right as he had never done it before, and couldn't copy it directly from Sakura as she didn't have it down correctly. 

Once he had it figured out he explained to her how she should let her chakra flow through her hand but hold it back at the last moment to keep the 'shock' factor instead of the constant flow. She had it down within an hour after they started, and Kakashi was once again reminded how brilliant she was when it came to chakra control. They walked back to the village together and Kakashi listened to Sakura talking excitedly about her medical studies. 

When they were getting close to the gates Sakura stopped and Kakashi turned to see what it was about. Sakura looked up at him with a sad expression on her face. 

"Kakashi-sensei, I am sorry to hear what happened to Iruka-sensei. I know things haven't been easy lately with everything that happened, but I don't want you to worry about me ok?." 

Kakashi was a little surprised. While it wasn't a secret that he and Iruka were a couple, team 7 had never mentioned it before. It warmed his heart a little seeing how much Sakura had grown and matured only in the 10 months since the team had split apart. He could see that she would grow into a strong and sensible woman one day. 

"Thank you, Sakura. I can see you have found your path and I know with the Hokage as your teacher, you're in good hands."

Sakura ducked her head but Kakashi could still see the small smile on her face. 

"Thank you Kakashi-sensei for helping me today. I really appreciate it!" 

They split paths shortly after that, and for the first time in the one and a half weeks from learning about Iruka's death, he felt a little better. Seeing how Sakura was thriving in her new environment was nice. He hoped Naruto did the same with Jiraiya and would come back more confident and strong than ever. He stopped his train of thoughts before it landed on Sasuke. 

Kakashi was again left with nothing to do and decided it was time to harass the Hokage again for a mission.

* * *

The intense stare from Tsunade made him feel slightly uncomfortable but Kakashi managed to not fidget around and stayed in his slouched form, keeping his bored expression at bay. After what felt like minutes of Tsunade regarding him she broke out in a small smile. 

"Fine! I have a mission for you. Shizune! Go grab Genma and Raidou for me!"

Shizune was out within a matter of seconds, and the 7 minutes Kakashi had to wait for what he assumed would be his teammates on this mission, was spent watching Tsunade swear at the paperwork in front of her. He was incredibly relieved to be sent out in the field again. It had been over half a year now since he had done proper field-work, as his diplomatic mission in Suna had mostly consisted of sitting around listening to boring politics. He was simply falling apart with nothing to do but think about Iruka. 

He had several times activated the Sharingan to view memories of Iruka, but every time he deactivated it again, he was hit by the reminder that was all it was. Memories. Iruka wasn't around anymore to make more and Kakashi struggled to keep the reasons for why death wasn't a better option. Serving the village and gaining another purpose again would hopefully give him more of those reasons.

Genma and Raidou arrived together with Shizune on their tail. They both looked a bit surprised at seeing Kakashi but only nodded their heads in greeting. 

"Ah, great, you're all here," Tsunade said when she finally looked up from her paperwork. 

"I have a mission for you. Yesterday, one of our shinobi that we have suspected to sell village information to outside sources was caught talking to a missing Iwa kunoichi not too far outside of our village gates. We have him in custody now, but we still don't know what information he has spilled." Tsunade started explaining the mission details. 

"I had an Anbu following the missing-nin, which took him to one of the old fire-country's hideouts. She entered the hideout but didn't stay for long before she left again with another shinobi. Our Anbu said it looked like they were leaving, and he decided to follow the two, but didn't have a chance to check out the place they had been hiding." 

All three of them nodded, understanding where she was going with this. 

"I know this is only likely just a B-Rank at most, but I want you three to investigate the place and see if they might have left any important information behind."

Kakashi grimaced a bit at it only being a B-rank, but he assumed this was Tsunade easing him into it. 

"Raidou-san, you're team lead on this one, make sure the other two don't do anything stupid." Tsunade handed him the scroll with the mission details.

"Hai, Hokage-sama."

Both Kakashi and Genma raised an eyebrow at that, as Kakashi had always been lead when they had worked together in the past. None of them was very surprised though. Kakashi's pride hurt a little, but Raidou was an excellent shinobi, so he let it be. 

"You're dismissed." 

They all bowed for the Hokage before leaving her office. They went over the mission details and decided to get moving in an hour since it was less than a day trip of travel time if they kept a good phase. 

Neither of his comrades mentioned Iruka, but Kakashi noticed the extra looks they were giving him. He didn't want to be pitied so he kept his face blank and betrayed no emotions. 

Genma had been good friends with Iruka, and Kakashi wondered what he knew, but as the man didn't give him any particularly hateful looks, he assumed Iruka hadn't said much. Kakashi was relieved, but he hoped Iruka had talked to someone and not kept everything to himself. While Kakashi didn't particularly like talking about his feelings, Iruka preferred it rather than keeping it all bundled inside and letting it build up. Iruka often needed a push as he didn't want anyone burdened with his problems. Kakashi had always made sure Iruka knew he could talk to him. 

Oh, how Kakashi missed him.

* * *

Eight hours later they were there. They had managed to keep up a fast phase despite Kakashi being off the rooster for some time. It had gotten dark some time ago now, but as it was fairly close to the village, they didn't expect any major threats. At least not something someone of their caliber shouldn't be able to manage. There was a reason this was only listed as B-rank so they kept going. 

As they ran Kakashi managed to keep his thoughts at bay most of the time, but there had been a moment when he had been hit by the devastating feeling of knowing he had no loved ones left. He had made a miss-step and almost crashed to the ground. He had managed to quickly regain his composure again before his two teammates had turned around to check on him and luckily saved himself from that embarrassment. 

He realized that Tsunade's decision to send him on an easy mission to start with had been a fair assessment. He was not mentally prepared to take on anything more difficult, and his respect for the Hokage went up a notch. Yes, Tsunade had done many things he did not agree with, but she genuinely seemed to care about her people and learned from her mistakes. He had held a slight resentment towards her ever since she sent a group of genin after Sasuke and the sound-ninja. The entire group had almost died, and it was the first time he had gone against her orders. 

That particular incident was also what made him lose his way and break what he had with Iruka, so he had blamed her slightly for that too. In the end, Hokage or not, she was only human, and everyone made mistakes. He could no longer hold that against her as he, himself was one of the reasons Iruka was dead. 

He was broken from his train of thoughts when Raidou made a hand sign for them to stop. Kakashi looked at his surroundings and realized they were close. Another mistake made by him proving he was not aware enough. This lack of awareness could not only cost him, but his teammates too, and he knew he had to pull himself together. B-rank or not, there were still potential dangers out there. 

"We're here. Let's do a sweep through the area before entering and making sure we're not walking into any traps." 

Raidou spoke up, and Kakashi managed to close his thoughts away and focus on the task as they split.

Half an hour later, they grouped up again reporting back. No one had found anything particularly of interest and decided it was time for them to enter the underground hideout. They lit some torches each and walked in.

At first, it only consisted of stairs and a long hallway with no doors. When they got further in Raidou signaled for Genma to search the rooms, while he and Kakashi went ahead to search further in. Eventually, the hallway opened up to a room that looked well lived in. Raidou decided to look through the belongings that were left behind while Kakashi looked through some papers that were spread around on a rotten table. 

Genma eventually joined them and continued to search the rooms connected to this one. A few minutes later Kakashi heard Genma call for Raidou who went to join him.

Kakashi stayed where he was as he just found something, that made his hair rise in the back of his neck. In front of him were notes of movements of a few Konoha shinobi. What made his heart pound was entries of both Kakashi's and Iruka's movements. Specifically, Iruka's name circled with a bright red circle and notes about his last mission. 

The attack at the border no longer seemed random, and the proof was right in front of him. Iruka was killed for a purpose, and the purpose was himself. Kakashi's blood was boiling when he walked over to where Raidou and Genma were whispering, to report his findings. 

He stopped in his tracks when he saw them both hovering over a body that seemed tied to the wall. Kakashi could see the man breathing by the chest movements and recognized the standard Konoha uniform, even if it was lacking the vest and the visible skin was covered in dirt. The man looked incredibly thin, and Kakashi didn't have to guess that this captive had been starved. The little skin he saw, was pale with a blue hue to it, indicating he must have been held here for some time. 

Kakashi couldn't see the man's face as Genma was sitting slightly in the way. But by the tone of their voices, it sounded like they recognized him. 

Suddenly both men tensed and turned towards Kakashi and Genma exposed the face of the person lying on the floor. Genma's eyes went wide and Raidou quickly turned back to the man lying in front of them. Genma's next words made Kakashi freeze where he was standing. 

"Kakashi, It's Iruka." 

The captive's head turned quickly towards him, and Kakashi had trouble understanding Genmas words. It took Kakashi a few seconds to recognize the skinny, dirty, and bearded man as the person he loved and had believed to be dead. The face was covered in dirt; making the scar barely visible. Since Kakashi had never seen Iruka with a beard; it made him almost unrecognizable. It didn't help that the skin around one of the eyes was swollen and his nose was slightly crooked. It was the brown eyes that brought Kakashi back. Those eyes were the same as always and he was hit by thousands of emotions at once that made him feel like exploding from the inside.

Iruka was there, lying on the floor, alive! Not dead, alive! Relief and happiness mingled in with anger, and Kakashi felt torn on what he was supposed to feel and do. When Iruka turned his head away again, closing those beautiful eyes, Kakashi's body was finally able to move again. 

Genma and Raidou moved away slightly to give Kakashi some space as he crouched down next to him. Kakashi cupped Iruka's face stroking his cheeks gently, loving the possibility to be able to touch his dearest person again and hardly believing it was real. Iruka opened his eyes again and looked up at him. He seemed a bit confused, but eventually, he sighed, leaned into the touch, and fell back to sleep. 

Kakashi couldn't move. Iruka was alive and it took everything within Kakashi not to grab and hug him tightly. Iruka was so thin, he looked fragile and Kakashi feared any sudden movements might break the man to pieces. 

A hand on Kakashi's shoulder brought him back to reality and he turned reluctantly to look at Raidou. 

"He will need some food before we move him back to the village. We will have to wait until he wakes up again to feed him. But I think he will be ok Kakashi. He is extremely weak right now, but he'll be ok." Raidou comforted him. 

All the tension Kakashi didn't realize had built up left his body and he slumped back onto the floor. He looked over Iruka's body and felt like crying seeing the state Iruka was in. It hurt seeing Iruka so skinny and beat up, and all Kakashi wanted to do then was to feed the chunin all the ramen he could find. 

Iruka had always stayed fit and healthy despite not doing many missions, and everything inside Kakashi screamed that this was wrong, this was not how Iruka was supposed to look like. Kakashi loved him all the same, but it hurt seeing him like this. The fact that the chunin was alive was still difficult to grasp, and Kakashi feared it was all a dream or hallucination made up by his troubled mind. 

Kakashi stroked his hair, saddened to see the shiny and smooth hair full of dirt and knots. Iruka had a steady breath that was comforting since it was the only thing that indicated that he was still alive. Part of Kakashi wanted to stay away, and not infect the chunin with his touch, but he simply couldn't help himself.

He wondered how Iruka had dealt with being captive all this time, and what he must felt when the kidnappers left him to die. He knew it must have been hard, especially if what Kakashi read in the notes left in the other room were true. Kakashi felt the guilt hit him at full force again and he had to gasp for air. Iruka was in this situation because of him. Not only had Iruka taken this mission because of their breakup, but he had been targeted to take revenge on Kakashi. 

Everything was his fault, he's the one that put a target on Iruka's head for simply loving him. This had been Kakashi's biggest fear and the reason he had pushed Iruka away in the first place. Knowing it happened anyway made him hate himself for several reasons, and they were all contradicting themselves. 

Kakashi buried his face in his hands. He was vaguely aware of his teammates fuzzing around but ignored them. They were respectful enough to leave him alone. 

He felt so conflicted. He wanted to never let Iruka out of his sight again but he also felt like his presence was unwelcome and would only endanger the chunin again. He wanted to win Iruka back, to apologize, and be held as tightly as he wanted to hold the teacher. He also kept in mind that Iruka was the one to pack his bags and leave without even saying anything. Even though Kakashi is the one that had said all those nasty things and never showed up for their fourth anniversary. 

Kakashi removed his hand and looked at the sleeping form in front of him. He was happy, sad, and furious at the same time. He decided to start removing the restraints and felt a bit puzzled that Iruka hadn't managed to escape them. Iruka was very capable after all and by the marks around his wrists, Kakashi could tell they must have been there for quite some time. Even if they were chakra blocking wire, Iruka had more than free reign to get out of them, the knots did not look very complicated at all. 

After struggling with them for a minute Kakashi started understanding the problem. He couldn't get them loose either and his kunai did nothing to it at all. He lifted his hitai-ate to uncover his Sharingan. He had purposely not uncovered it earlier as this was not a sight he wanted to be drilled into his memory. He saw immediately that the restrains had a jutsu on them, explaining why they wouldn't budge. He had never seen a jutsu like this before and frowned at the new problem. 

He eyed the wire where it was attached to the wall and got an idea. He stood up and he felt how both Raidou and Genma tensed as blue lightning filled the room and the sound resembling thousand chirping birds overwhelmed their ears. He Chidoried the wall and the wire immediately crumbled to dust as the jutsu released it. 

Both Raidou and Genma needed a moment to gather their wits again. Chidori was a deadly jutsu and to see Kakashi stand over Iruka with it had left them both confused and horrified for a split moment. Raidou cleared his throat before asking what the hell Kakashi was up to as he picked up Iruka with all the care in the world and carried him into the other room. 

"The wire was infused with a jutsu, I couldn't break them." Kakashi stated absently, his sole focus was still on the man in his arms. He knew Iruka had lost weight, but lifting him and feeling it, made Kakashi's heart clench even more.

Genma seemed to get to his senses first as he rushed past Kakashi and prepared a futon for Kakashi to lay him down on. Genma handed him a blanket as well which he covered Iruka in. Kakashi glanced towards the papers of which Raidou had moved too. Kakashi noted how the man gritted his teeth as he read through them and Kakashi was once again reminded of why they were here. 

He stroked Iruka's cheek and leaned to kiss his forehead. Kakashi did not want to leave, never again, but the people who did this were only one and a half a day ahead of them, and he was not going to let them get away. Raidou turned towards him as he stood back up. Kakashi opened his mouth to say something when a hand grabbed his shoulder. Kakashi turned towards the other man.

"We get it, and it's ok. I and Raidou will take care of him and bring both him and the evidence back to Konoha." Genma had turned towards Raidou who was captain for this mission for confirmation while saying the last part. Kakashi turned to Raidou as well in time to see him nod in agreement. 

Kakashi turned towards his sleeping ex-lover once again, taking in the sight before heading out into the night.

The Iwa nin's would pay. He would rip them apart and til their limbs and organs was spread across the land. Nobody hurt Iruka and got away with it and he was going to make sure everyone got the message.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter ^^ 
> 
> I can't believe how many kudos you all left me <3 Thank you all for the support! :D


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter did take me a long time to write, as I struggled to express what I wanted to express. I've had the chapter finished for over a week, but was not satisfied with the result and decided to rewrite it. Hopefully, it will be worth the wait <3

Kakashi had felt anger when he had thought Iruka had been killed at the border, he had been furious at himself and whoever killed him because Iruka brought so much good to the world, and the thought of that being taken away was enough to break anyone's soul. 

It had broken Kakashi, he had no real motivation to live anymore because Iruka had become what he lived for. He might not have shown so at the end of their relationship, but keeping Iruka alive had been his sole focus, even back then. Iruka might not know it, but that had been what made Kakashi destroy the good thing they had. He had been so focused on keeping his lover alive, he had forgotten to consider the feelings involved. 

Then he came back and Iruka had died anyway. Iruka had taken the mission because he didn't have Kakashi to celebrate the holidays with, and then some nins had targeted the kind and passionate chunin to hurt him. No, Kakashi hadn't known that then, but he had still known he was to blame to some degree. So he had been furious. 

But now, he was raging. Iruka was alive, which was something to be happy about, but now that he knew that the chunin had been targeted because of him and then been tortured by starvation, beatings, and who knows what more for more than a month made his blood boil and he swore the world was covered in a shade of red. Iruka deserved nothing of it. If they wanted revenge on Kakashi, they had no right to target the innocent teacher that had broken up with him over half a year ago. 

Seeing the state of Iruka shattered his heart because no matter how he twisted and turned the situation he couldn't make sense of it. How could anyone be so cruel and heartless that they could do such a thing to someone as good as Iruka? How could they watch and make this man suffer day after day?

Kakashi knew people with hearts cold as ice existed, he had encountered people like that many times. He had killed them himself without any regret, but he always had a reason and goal, to protect Konoha and it's people. Kakashi felt no regret because it was for the sake of what he loved. 

And still, Kakashi understood the need for revenge, how the thought of payback could supposedly set things right. He had after all wanted revenge on the Third Hokage when Minato-sensei died. He had blamed the Sandaime for ordering them to stand back and let the adults fight the night the nine-tailed fox attacked, thinking that if he had been allowed to fight with them, the outcome might have been different. 

He had allied with Danzo to join Root, and joined the planning to assassinate his Hokage in the name of revenge after all. But Kakashi wasn't heartless, he didn't have a heart of ice. He had wanted revenge because he loved too much. 

Meeting Tenzou had helped him get back on the right path and reconsider his alliances and find his path in life again. Tenzou had become an anchor of his will of fire. Tenzou had made Kakashi see the light and come clean to his Hokage and choose a better path.

Without Tenzou, Kakashi would be lost and never grown the way he did, and he wouldn't have found the happiness he had with Iruka. 

But right now, the man in a cat mask and Anbu armor, that he also cared deeply for and trusted with his life was standing between Kakashi and his goal. And Kakashi needed to get to those who hurt his chunin and rip them apart finger by finger, limb by limb. It had taken him 5 days to catch up with them, they had hidden their traces well and Kakashi had needed to summon Pakkun at one point to help him track them. 

He did not tolerate any more delays, and right now Tenzou was slowing him down.

"Senpai, for some reason I don't believe you're supposed to be here." 

Kakashi could hear the frustration in Tenzou's voice, but there was a tiny hint of amusement there as well. Tenzou was pretty used to Kakashi's antics by now and knew his Senpai well enough to know Kakashi was not here to back him up. But he had no way of knowing why.

As much as Kakashi cared for Tenzou, he would not let the Anbu stand in his way.

Tenzou noticed the killing intent boiling from Kakashi and immediately straightened up, understanding that this was more serious than he originally thought. 

"What is this about?" Tenzou asked with a more serious tone of voice. 

Kakashi did not want to waste any more time, but he didn’t want to fight Tenzou either. Iruka should be back in Konoha by now, safe in a hospital bed, and Kakashi yearned to go back to see him, make sure he was going to be ok, and then beg for forgiveness of all his past mistakes. He didn’t deserve said forgiveness, but he needed to tell Iruka he was sorry and explain to him why. Iruka still deserved the closure. Kakashi himself hadn’t allowed himself to think too much about what he wanted now that he knew that the man he loved was still alive, other than destroying those Iwa nins. 

Still, with the raging fire inside him, he wanted what they had before they broke up, but he wasn’t sure if that was possible or that even was an option for him anymore. Iruka's safety was still his top priority and Kakashi has made more enemies than these two through his career.

He had made a promise to himself on the devastating day of their fourth anniversary. A promise to never be selfish again, especially when it came to Iruka. He had made the promise because being with Iruka put the teacher in this potential danger of Kakashi's enemies, but the promise had also been made because he hadn’t been able to let go and hurt the chunin even more in the process. 

Yes, he had also decided that not regarding what Iruka himself wanted was selfish of him as well, so all his reasons to keep his promises were contradicting themselves. He wanted to be with Iruka, and he wanted to keep him safe, but Kakashi did not know how to do both. Iruka left him, rightfully so. Kakashi had ignored him, said hurtful things, and only cared about his feelings of the matter. No, Kakashi hadn't always been that ignorant, but those last 3 months he had been cruel, and Iruka had every right to hate him. 

He just hoped he didn’t. 

Now he was standing in front of another one of his precious people, his friend, and former teammate, and with fury running through his system he was willing to hurt Tenzou if he stood in his way from bringing revenge on Iruka. 

Kakashi knew he was lost. Stuck on a path ran by his overwhelming emotions. Iruka was so important to him he was willing to do anything for him, and in a way that was not ok either. He wanted to push his friend aside and get his revenge, but Tenzou was not a pushover no matter how much he respected Kakashi. And if Kakashi let his emotions overpower him, the friendship between them might be unfixable after. He fought with his entire being to hold back so that he wouldn't do anything rash and make another mistake he would regret later. 

The least he could do was explain the situation to Tenzou. 

"Iruka is alive." It came out half-choked, with a mixture of anger and relief. It was the first time he said it out loud, and the impact of those words left him feeling an unsuspected relief because Iruka was still alive! 

Tenzou simply tilted his head and waited for Kakashi to explain more. No doubt the Anbu made the connection between the assumed dead chunin and the Iwa nin he had been following. But in this line of work, you couldn't make assumptions, especially if someone right in front of you held the answers. 

"Those two had him all this time." Kakashi continued as if that was explanation enough. 

Tenzou let out a sigh. 

"Kakashi, I was on the team that went to investigate. There were 4 Konoha bodies, I don't understand how that can be."

Tenzou was one of the best trackers, and Kakashi couldn't phantom how this group could have left no traces for him to find when there had been left five dead bodies at the border.

"Since you were on the investigating team you know as well as me that those bodies were burned to a crisp and that the only identification had been the metal from their hitai-ates. Iruka's body was never amongst them. You and your team made a very crushing assumption that happened to be wrong."

Kakashi felt more anger boil through him by the realization that Tenzou hadn't been able to track them. That his friend hadn't tried harder to fight for Iruka. How many other comrades could this have happened to in the past?

Tenzou didn't say anything for a few moments, seeming to consider what Kakashi said. Then he looked to the ground and stepped aside, indicating that Kakashi was free to pass without him standing in his way. 

"I believe you...I didn't want to give up on the investigation back then. Seeing your comrades lying spread on the ground without any clue of who did it and why always leaves a bad taste in your mouth." 

Kakashi couldn't see Tenzou's face, but he sounded devastated. 

"I don't know Iruka, but knowing what he meant to you made it difficult to accept, now I wish I didn't. I am very sorry."

It was Kakashi's turn to look away. He appreciated his Kohai's apology, but it wasn't his fault. Tenzou didn't do this to Iruka, and had Kakashi been in his place, he would likely have done the same. Kakashi trusted Tenzou with his life. 

"I'm assuming the Hokage didn't send you. I'm only supposed to observe, not engage, so I won't step in unless you need my assistance. I'm sorry, but that's all I can do."

Tenzou was never one to sway from direct orders and Kakashi knew not to try convincing him otherwise. Not that it mattered, Kakashi wanted to crush those missing nins with his own hands, to feel their bones break under his fingers. He wanted to feel their blood soak his skin and their screams fill his ears. He did not want to share his revenge with anyone else. 

Kakashi did not waste any time and sprinted past his kohai the very next moment. He was glad Tenzou decided to let him through without a fight and despite his friend's words he knew Tenzou would not hesitate to step in if he thought Kakashi was in danger. 

* * *

The Iwa nin's was not far ahead and it took Kakashi about forty minutes from his encounter with Tenzou to catch up with them. 

He took a moment to assess the situation before jumping in blindly. These two were very good at hiding their trail which put to show that they were experienced shinobi, no doubt Jonin. He was not sure what their combat was like, which is where he had to be careful. He did not want to be reckless because he wanted to see Iruka again badly, so dying because he rushed things was not part of his plan. 

The woman seemed to be the one in charge of the two. The man simply nodding to whatever she was saying. They seemed to be completely at ease, indicating they probably had no clue they were being followed. Kakashi had been smart enough to reel in his killing intent and had the element of surprise. 

There was a snap behind him and Kakashi turned on instinct, battle-ready. Tenzou was simply standing there, probably intentionally announcing his arrival, letting Kakashi know he would back him up if needed. Kakashi nodded to his friend and turned back to observe the two enemies. 

He wasn't close enough to use Chidori and knew he had to jump in closer before activating his signature Jutsu. Though he wanted them to know what hit them before he ended them anyway, so it did not matter. He wanted to rub it in their faces that they messed with the wrong person and see the fear carved into them as they realized this is the consequence they brought on themselves. 

Kakashi grabbed a kunai and flickered in right behind the man. Kakashi stabbed the man in the back in a non-lethal spot that should be painful enough, but not deadly. The man screamed out in pain and staggered forward while reaching for his weapons. Kakashi let his killing intent free and turned to block an incoming attack from the kunoichi. 

"You!" The woman seemed to have gotten over the surprise attack rather fast and recognized him instantly. Meeting the woman's eyes he could see a mixture of anger, desperation, and insanity. He had no clue what he had ever done to piss her off, but he found he didn't care. There would soon be another expression occupying her face. He struck forward but the woman easily dodged his attack. 

The other nin seemed to have gathered his wits and took the opportunity to charge towards Kakashi with a katana. His movements weren't particularly fast and Kakashi easily jumped away, throwing one off his shuriken in defense. It got partly dodged, but close enough to leave a shallow cut on the man's shoulder. 

The woman struck again but Kakashi was faster. He blocked her attack and kicked her with a force that threw her back a couple of meters, putting some distance between them all. She was quickly back on her feet in a defensive position growling in frustration. She eyed him with disgust, though suddenly a wicked grin spread on her face. 

"And here I thought you didn't care what happened to your precious chunin. We were all convinced you had moved on as nobody came for him. Oh, how devastated he was when he learned you didn't even look for him." She straightened up as she spoke, no doubt to come across more intimidating. Kakashi let her speak.

"Oh, we thought we had wasted our time trying to target the joke of a ninja. He's probably dead and rotting away in the hole we left him in by now. I would have thought the great Hatake Kakashi would have chosen someone less pathetic." She lifted her head with a smug smile on her face. 

So they didn't realize Iruka had been found then. It was Kakashi's turn to smile. And the kunoichi narrowed her eyes at the motion. 

"If this was your planned revenge on me, it certainly is poorly executed. Iruka is still alive and probably back in Konoha as we speak." 

Kakashi felt great satisfaction as the smile was wiped off her face. She growled again and looked even more insane than before. 

The other man had let her have her moment but decided to attack as they seemed distracted by the conversation. Kakashi was of course prepared, never really letting his defenses down. He dodged the sword with a single side step while infusing his fist with chakra. He hit the man in the gut and sent him flying into a tree with a force that made himself cringe. It wasn't deadly, but enough to make him blackout.

The duo seemed to like attacking in turns, sending in their strikes while he was distracted by the other. But this was not Kakashi's first counter against a bigger number of enemies, and he knew this tactic well. They seemed skilled, but not a match against him.

Kakashi was prepared when the Kunoichi attacked. She was being sloppy as her attacks were controlled by her anger. He could easily take her down, but he wanted to play with her a bit first, making sure that her final lesson in life would be knowing that you did not mess with the people Hatake Kakashi cared about and not pay the price. 

"Is that all you got? Is that how weak you are? You know you can't take me down yourself so you target innocent people instead to try to get to me?" Kakashi normally didn't try to trigger his enemies with talk, but this was a special occasion. 

Kakashi wanted to tear her down not only physically, but mentally too. He hated this woman. She had put Iruka through torture for over a month, making them all think he was dead. It didn't make sense as he thought about it. If they wanted him to look for Iruka, then why did they fake his death? He was about to ask when she continued.

"It wasn't about killing you! I wanted to make you suffer the same way you made me suffer! You killed the only person I cared about, and for what? A scroll you stole within our territory? I bet you kill everyone who stands in your way. You probably don't even remember her!"

Kakashi was put a bit off guard by the anguish that bleeds through her voice. Tears were suddenly streaming down her face as she spoke. 

"Three years ago I saw her mission scroll, my sister was sent to retrieve the scroll you took through negotiation. It wasn't even a kill on sight order, and you still left her body on the ground with a hole through her chest! Does that make you feel almighty and powerful, killing everyone who crosses your path?" 

Kakashi had to roam his memory of the incident. He did have a mission 3 years ago that required him to go into the Land of Earth to retrieve a scroll. They had been tipped off that a group was planning a coup against Konoha, and Kakashi had been sent to find more information. 

Said information should have been all gathered in a scroll, so Kakashi had taken it and ran back towards Konoha. Mission parameters told him to bring it back, not to read it, so he hadn't. He quickly found out he had a group on his tail and had forced himself to keep up his phase hoping he could shake them off. Once he reached the Fire-Country's borders he was exhausted and had to slow down. The group caught up to him not long after. 

It certainly had not been a retrieval group, they had not even hesitated to go out full-on attacking him with killing blows and strikes and Kakashi had struggled to keep the upper hand on them. He hated killing people and only did it if his own or comrades' life were threatened or if he had direct orders to do so. 

He remembers four people. Three men and one young woman. The kunoichi had gone in for the kill by using an earth jutsu that seemed to make the ground under his feet crumble and shift, but Kakashi had fired up Chidori and put his fist through her chest before the jutsu reached its full effect. He remembered well because the girl had reminded him so much of Rin. Brown shoulder short hair and brown expressive eyes. It had put him into a state of shock, and he couldn't even remember what happened after that. 

He learned when he came to Konoha that the scroll had been a trap. Simply planted to lure Konoha ninja's and take them down. Probably a coup by the Tsuchikage as an attempt to show power. They probably hadn't anticipated that someone of Kakashi's caliber would be sent and failed miserably. 

Now he was standing in front of a woman, who's sister he had killed as a result of a power play. Whatever mission scroll her sister had shown her, it must have been fake. 

He looked at the woman in front of him and felt his reasons plummet down and get soaked up by the earth. She had done all this for the same reason he was here. To revenge a person she loved. Only she didn't know everything that happened three years ago and her sister was dead while Iruka was still alive. 

"That's not what happened." Kakashi was surprised how his voice wavered and he saw her eyes widen in surprise before anger consumed her again. 

"Not what happened! Don't try to lie yourself out of this you bastard! I saw her scroll and I saw her body!" She jumped forward with kunai in her hands. Her strikes were desperate and poorly controlled by the anger that consumed her, making her execution sloppy and easy to block. Which is what Kakashi did. Block. He didn't attack her, simply letting her take her frustration out on him. She screamed out in anger and managed to get one strike in which cut into Kakashi's arm. It wasn't deep, but enough to trigger his proper defenses and give her a powerful kick that threw her off. 

"No! The scroll was planted with the hopes that it would lure a Konoha nin out. The team that attacked me wasn't there to retrieve anything. Either the scroll she showed you were fake, or their order changed." He growled out. 

She took a step back as if he had slapped her in the face. 

"No… my sister didn't take assassination missions, she didn't have it in her to purposedly kill anyone." Her voice was weak and she spoke in a way that seemed to try to convince herself rather than him. She seemed to hesitate slightly. 

She lifted her arms and tore at her hair in what looked like frustration. Then she fell to her knees as if all her energy left her body. She simply stared at the ground as she seemed to process what he said. 

Kakashi could easily strike now and end her. He had in a way succeeded in playing on her mentality, but he didn't feel any satisfaction with it. They were the same. They were both here because they wanted to revenge the person that meant everything to them, only to learn there was more to it than that. Kakashi loved Iruka, and he wanted this woman to suffer from what she did to him, but in the end, it was all just an evil circle that was most likely started by the Tsuchikage. This woman was a victim lead by lies and want to believe the best of the ones you love. She was lost and desperate, probably searching for a purpose in life after losing the person that mattered to her the most. 

"She had been acting strange sometime before she took the mission. The Tsuchikage had been demanding more of her and she got more arrogant. She was easily a better shinobi than myself, and she seemed to thrive off the fact that she surpassed me. I never cared, I was happy for her success, but she started looking down at me." 

Her voice was barely a whisper, but Kakashi heard her. He tightened his hold on his kunai as he felt his resolve starting to falter. He needed someone to pay for what was done to the man he loved, but as the kunoichi kept talking he couldn't get his body to move to give her a final strike. 

"I loved her so much! I raised her, I took care of her and I did everything I could to make sure she lived comfortably. I want your words to be lies, I need to hate you, but I do know better. How can I blame someone for defending themselves, how can I blame you for wanting to protect your village when we both know how it is to love someone so deeply."

Her sobs tore through Kakashi because he did know.

"My sister probably acted on orders, and for that, I cannot blame her, but I cannot blame you either. I am so sorry for what I did to your chunin, for making him suffer all this time. I was just so angry and desperate. I betrayed my village for this cause and I needed to do something. I knew deep inside that I was wrong this entire time but ignored it. I am so so sorry." 

Kakashi dropped his kunai as a sign of defeat. He couldn't kill this woman. How could he? She had done what she had done for the same reasons he was here, and if he killed her now he would be no better than she was. He did not forgive her, the memory of the beaten and weakened state Iruka had been left in was still burned into his mind, but he was not cold enough to ignore what he had just learned. This woman didn't have a heart of ice. 

"If you wanted me to look for him, why did you fake his death?" Kakashi had to ask, it was a piece of the puzzle he still didn't understand. 

She looked up at him with confusion written all over her face. 

"Faked his death? What do you mean?" She sounded genuinely confused. And Kakashi frowned. 

"Five bodies were found, burned so much there was no way to identify them, but four bodies had Konoha hitai-ates on them."

She frowned and seemed to need a moment to process the information. Kakashi felt incredibly annoyed at that. They had planned this, put Iruka through unforgivable conditions and she didn't even remember the details? He had to fight an urge to not flicker to her and put his hands around her neck and suffocate the life out of her.

"We didn't try to fake his death, we burned the bodies to help hide our scent from trackers. We wanted you to look for him, only to come up empty-handed. We wanted you to feel the desperation and loss of not being able to save him and play on your guilt when you found him dead sometime after." 

Kakashi clenched his fists. She was right, finding Iruka in the state he was, tore at him and he did feel guilty for not looking despite what he had been told. He felt guilty for being the reason Iruka was in that situation in the first place and for not finding him sooner. If they had found Iruka's dead body, he knew that guilt would have been strong enough to break him to a point of no return. They had made some mistakes executing their plan, but it still affected him. 

Targeting Iruka to get back at him was still unforgivable though. And even if Kakashi empathized with this Kunoichi he hated her, he wanted her dead but couldn't get himself to kill her. The familiar feeling of feeling split about what to do washed over him and the frustration made his killing intent waver. He swore revenge for his ex-lover, and he almost wished the kunoichi would attack him again so that he could kill her in self-defense, but her just sitting there on the ground unguarded telling him her reasons and making him empathize with her made it difficult. 

He was failing Iruka even at this.

Before Kakashi had a chance to decide, Tenzou appeared behind the woman and knocked her out in a single blow before she even had a chance to react. Her body hit the ground with a thump and Kakashi simply stared at the motionless body in front of him. He was already confused by having to decide what to do and then having Tenzou step in and seemingly taking that decision away from him. He was not sure if he should thank Tenzou or get more pissed of. 

He thought about Iruka and wondered what he would have wanted. Iruka saw the best in everyone, but would he have seen anything good in this woman even after what she put him through? Would Iruka want her dead or would he find it in his heart to forgive her? Did Kakashi even have the right to choose here? 

What about his promise not to be selfish? Wouldn't killing her be selfish of him as it was what  _ he _ wanted? His reasons had been for Iruka hadn't they and that wasn't selfish? Or had it been for himself because killing those that hurt the chunin would make him feel better? What would Iruka feel knowing Kakashi took the life of someone else for his sake, would Iruka appreciate the gesture, or would Kakashi make Iruka feel guilty for it? How could one not make selfish desitions when their loved ones hurt?

The Jonin didn't know anything anymore, how could people call him a genius when all he felt was conflicted and confused? He couldn't even make simple desitions anymore when it came to killing enemy ninjas. What was he supposed to…?

"Kakashi! Are you even listening to me?" 

Kakashi blinked, he had completely zoned out, caged by his train of thought, not even assessing the situation around him. He looked up at the Anbu in a cat mask who seemed to have already tied up the two shinobi. Kakashi had not even registered that Tenzou had moved the man from where he had been unconscious by the tree to lie next to the woman. 

"I… no, sorry Tenzou." 

Tenzou sighed. 

"A hawk arrived with updates on my mission. Iruka is safe in Konoha and recovering in the hospital. We are to bring these two back to Konoha. A team will meet us halfway to help us. You think you can handle that?"

The relief was all he felt at those words. Iruka was safe and that was what was most important. He knew he could trust Raidou and Genma and was happy to hear the two men had brought Iruka back. 

He told Tenzou that he would be ok with that.

All he wanted was to run back to Konoha and see Iruka, but it would be another selfish act leaving Tenzou to deal with these two alone, and Kakashi had already broken enough promises.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this have not been updated in quite a while. I just hit a wall on this story, especially where it is right now. I have it planned all out, just not sure how to put it into words.
> 
> This is a fairly short chapter compared to the others, but atleast it is something? Right? 
> 
> Anyways, I hope you all stay safe in these difficult times the world is facing. Take care of yourself and the people around you ♡

When Iruka woke up the first time he didn't recognize where he was. He assumed it was another part of the hideout he had been held in and panicked slightly for a brief moment thinking maybe he hadn't been rescued anyway. His stomach was aching from hunger and he struggled to keep his eyes open. But then Genma had appeared in front of him and fed him a ration bar and some water. Iruka had only managed to take a few bites, but it had been enough to soothe some of the pain and return some energy. 

It wasn't long after that he was being carried on Genmas back with Raido headed towards Konoha. The trip took over half a day and he got switched between the two men a couple of times. He had lost a lot of weight and wasn't that heavy luckily for them. He had slept for most of the trip and managed to eat a little more on the way. 

Once he had arrived in Konoha he had been put into a bed and gotten fluids attached to his body. It didn't take long for him to feel a little better. Tsunade arrived and healed his injuries and Iruka could finally move his fingers again. Some nurses helped him change into some hospital ropes and gave him a quick rinse deciding to let him rest before giving him a proper bath.

After that, he slept better than he had in months and had enough energy to walk to the bathroom himself the next day. Some nurses still assisted in him get clean as he was still incredibly weak. 

His hair was beyond saving and had to be cut. Sakura had stopped by and offered to help him, and Iruka was now sporting a short haircut. It felt really weird, but Iruka knew with time it would grow out again, so he didn't let it bother him too much. 

When Tsunade stopped by next time she informed him he was physically healing fine, but that she wanted him to see a psychiatrist the next day to start healing his mind as well. Nobody survived a month of being captured and was completely fine afterward. Iruka was too tired to argue anyway and thought it would be nice to talk to somebody about his experience. After his first evaluation, he would have to give his report considering three of his comrades had been killed. 

Iruka didn't get too much time to think about anything because he was visited by Anko who had cried in relief of seeing him. He actually got concerned about his ribs as she hugged him so tightly. He was very happy to see his friend again, but Anko had a very demanding presence and he felt exhausted after just 20 minutes with her around and had to ask her to leave to get some rest. 

The next couple of days Iruka felt his strength slowly returning. He had a few sessions with a psychiatrist and reported to Tsunade about what happened. When he had explained about the reason the Hokage looked saddened and explained to Iruka that Kakashi had gone after them. Iruka had thought he had seen Kakashi at the hideout, but the memory had been so fuzzy he had brushed it off as a dream. Which is why he hadn't asked about the other man. He had been thinking about his ex-lover since he returned, but tried his best not too, because he still felt hurt knowing Kakashi had moved on with someone else. 

The way Tsunade had explained Kakashi running off had him a tad confused though. She made it sound like he had gone to get vengeance, it did blossom up a slither of hope in Iruka, but mostly he worried that Kakashi might get harmed. If something happened to Kakashi on Iruka's behalf, even if they had broken up, Iruka would forever carry that guilt. 

He also didn't want Kakashi to have more blood on his hands for his sake. He wasn't sure if he wanted his captors dead or not, to be honest, at the moment he didn't really care what happened to them, as he could never forgive them for killing his teammates for such a selfish cause. 

He hoped Kakashi would be fine, and wondered if he would visit him when he came back. Iruka felt like he wanted some answers, but not sure if he had the will to deal with that at the moment. He was relieved to be back in Konoha, and both the hospital food and bed felt like pure luxury compared to his situation the last month. But he didn't feel the joy or happiness he had expected to feel. Instead, he felt flat, like he couldn't quite reach his emotions. They were there, just very dimmed. He suspected it was because he had expected and accepted he was going to die, only to be saved in the last moment. He was so very overwhelmed that his mind shut down to deal with it all, that's what the psychiatrist had suggested anyway, and it made sense to him.

But he did want to see Kakashi. Kakashi had always been amazing at comforting him, and a part of him wanted that comfort now, but a bigger part of him just wanted to finally have some answers so that he maybe could start moving on. Iruka was tired to constantly have the man he loved on his mind wondering what really happened. It just made no sense to Iruka how an event that had nothing to do with them as lovers, could take away the feelings they so strongly felt for each other. 

Why did Kakashi's feelings change? Did they change? Did Kakashi ever love him at all? Had it all been made up in Iruka's mind? Was it something Iruka did? 

The insecurities behind those questions ate at him and Iruka almost felt like that was breaking him down more than being captive and starved, they were repeated mentally all the time, and it made Iruka temper short and he felt easily annoyed at the smallest things. Iruka was not a rude person, but he found himself snapping at the nurses and friends that came to visit him. He always felt bad afterward, but he couldn't help it. 

After a week in the hospital and being confined to the hospital room, he was once again starting to feel trapped. He desperately needed to go outside, and he finally managed to talk the nurses into letting him on one of the balconies at least. 

The sight of the busy street below, the sound of the city and the light breeze in the air and the feel of the slightest warmth the sun provided at this time of year lifted the invisible weight that had been hanging of his shoulders. For the first time, Iruka managed to feel a slight joy, and couldn't hold back the smile on his face. He was free and he knew for the first time that he would be fine with time. He felt a little excited knowing that eventually, he would be able to go back to his old routines, yell at some unruly kids, feel the pride when they succeded and hang out with his comrades and friends in the mission office again. 

It was also the moment he heard the doors behind him slide open and someone knocks hesitantly at the wall to get his attention. Iruka turned and felt his heart get stuck in his throat. Because there was the person that holds all the cards before Iruka could truly find his piece. 

"Hey."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for keeping it short ♡


	9. Chapter 9

Kakashi’s world stopped the second Iruka turned around. He always knew Iruka was beautiful, but there was something more to his beauty now that Iruka pretty much had risen from his death. When Kakashi saw him last, he was dirty, beaten, pale and so very skinny. Kakashi had still seen his beauty through that, but now, as Iruka was obviously healed and cleaned and gotten a healthy color back to his cheeks, also contributed by the chill air surrounding them, he was absolutely breathtaking.

The sunshine hit him from behind, forming a halo effect around him, and if anything in life could have been called an angel, it was the sight in front of him now. Warm, brown eyes met his grey one, and Kakashi honestly considered revealing his Sharingan just to record this image in his mind forever.

Unfortunately, he was absolutely chakra exhausted and that would likely result in this interaction to end in an unfashionable manner. But that was ok. He didn’t think he would forget this moment even if he ever wanted to.

He just wanted to take a few more steps forward, sweep the younger man up into his arms and kiss Iruka senseless, but he knew he had no right to do that now, and he doubted Iruka would appreciate it.

Kakashi had gone straight to Tsunade to find out where Iruka was when he arrived in Konoha. The prisoners were taken care of by an ANBU team who met them halfway and allowed him to shorten the time of his trip home. Oh, he was so very chakra exhausted for it and tired as he had barely slept at all the last week, but his need to see Iruka made him find strength from somewhere unknown. 

He barely registered himself saying hello, his mind too occupied by the fact that Iruka was alive, standing on his own, and already seemed to have gained some weight. Kakashi noticed that Iruka’s hair had been cut, and he found himself mourn that loss, but it did not make Iruka look less beautiful. Kakashi doubted there was anything that could take Iruka’s beauty away.

For a lengthy moment, all they did was stand there and stare at each other. Neither of them really certain what to say or do. Kakashi had tried to plan this meeting and what to say on his way back, but that was all lost the moment he saw Iruka’s back through the balcony window.

Iruka was the first to break eye contact, and he rose his hand to scratch his nose; A nervous habit Kakashi had learned about a very long time ago. Somehow words left Kakashi’s mouth before he even had taken the time to consider them.

“I’m glad you are ok, Iruka”

It was awkward, and his voice came out strangled and broken. Kakashi wanted to punch himself in the face because that’s not what he wanted to say. He was happy Iruka was ok, but it wasn’t a particularly good conversation starter. 

Iruka’s eyes snapped back to his. Kakashi could see both sadness and confusion there, and it created him a throbbing ache in his chest. Iruka’s eyes didn’t deserve to carry such sadness, and Iruka deserved answers so that Kakashi could take that confusion away.

“Well, I suppose. I am better than I was.” Iruka gave him a gentle smile, and Kakashi’s legs suddenly felt like jelly. 

Kakashi took a while to consider what to reply, so Iruka wrapped the red scarf around his neck a bit tighter. The moment was a little awkward, and it seemed like Iruka needed to something to occupy himself with. Kakashi was at a loss of what to say. He didn’t want to break any boundaries that Iruka might have set between them after they split. Maybe Kakashi had broken them with just turning up, Iruka didn’t look to be very comfortable with his presence, and Kakashi couldn’t exactly blame him. Iruka turned away from him. 

If that wasn’t a queue for Kakashi to leave, then he didn’t know what it was. Kakashi could feel the sting of disappointment threatening to spill some tears, and he was about to turn around and leave Iruka alone, but Iruka broke the silence. 

“There are still some matters I am still dealing with. The last months have been really hard.”

There was a slight trembling in Iruka’s voice, and Kakashi had a feeling Iruka wasn’t just talking about his time being captive. The brunette took a deep breath before he went on, still remaining with his back to Kakashi. Kakashi bit his lip behind his mask.

“I actually wanted to talk to you, not about the kidnapping, but about us.”

This time Iruka turned back to face Kakashi with a frown and an accusing glare, and Kakashi almost wanted to laugh at how Iruka-like that look was. He had been on the receiving end of that stare many times and seen Iruka direct it at his students even more times. He was so filled with happiness by the fact that he was still alive and amongst them. Kakashi nodded, waiting for Iruka to keep talking.

“I just want to know what happened, why things ended the way it did, what I did for your feelings to go away. I have been trying to move on, but I can’t unless I know why.”

Iruka’s brown orbs were looking at him with so many emotions and Kakashi felt a bitterness rise in his throat knowing he was the one to put them there. Kakashi had always been a man with few words, and not particularly good at expressing what he was feeling, but he knew if there was a moment to lay himself bare, this was it. He held Iruka’s accusing stare, begging Kakashi for an appropriate answer, and started to explain.

“It wasn’t anything you did Iruka. You were and always will be perfect for me. I… I lost myself, I lost who I was to you and everyone else. I was overcome with guilt when I found Naruto that day. There was a hole in his clothing that was enough to tell me he had been attacked with Chidori through his chest.”

Kakashi paused for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts before he continued. Finding Naruto attacked with his own invention of a jutsu and knowing he was the one to teach it to Sasuke was painful knowledge. He had known that Sasuke was in a dangerous mindstate, and he had made a terrible misjudgment as his sensei. 

“I taught Sasuke that jutsu, I even invented it. And when I saw it had been used on Naruto, I struggled to face myself... When I looked in the mirror all I felt was disgust.” Kakashi had to close his eyes to will his tears to not escape. 

“And I struggled to face you. Naruto is so precious and important to you, and I almost killed him.” This time Kakashi’s voice broke and he couldn’t stop tears from pouring down his face. 

When Kakashi opened his eyes, he saw that Iruka wanted to say something, but he held his tongue and let to let Kakashi continue.

“Had it not been for the Nine-tails chakra, Naruto would be dead Iruka. And I… I can’t forgive that I put him in so much danger.” Kakashi shook his head in despair and broke eye contact. 

“People around me… The people I care about always get hurt Iruka. And seeing Naruto on the ground like that... I thought he was dead. Some nights I dream about both you and Naruto lying there dead together on the ground, and it was suffocating me.”

Iruka looked at his feet at this point, just taking the words in. Kakashi could see he was turning the words around in his head, still trying to understand.

“I was so scared that I would lose you I started pushing you away. I knew I should have just said the word’s and ended it properly, but every time I tried to say it, I couldn’t. I couldn’t get the words leaving my mouth. I grew so angry at myself for doing it to you, and for not being able to let go. I took it out on you instead.” Kakashi paused, deciding Iruka deserved the whole truth. 

“I started blaming you for not being able to let go.” Shame developed Kakashi from head to toe from admitting it. It never was Iruka’s fault, the fault lied solely on Kakashi.

“You promised.” Iruka suddenly said, looking hurt, angry, and disappointed at the same time. 

“You promised you wouldn’t let that bullshit way of thinking come between us. We agreed when we moved in together that you and your twisted way of blaming yourself for everything would never break us apart! You said with your own damn mouth that it would never happen!”

Iruka raised his voice and was pointing at Kakashi with an accusing finger. To be honest, Kakashi had forgotten about that promise, but now that Iruka mentioned it, he had a vague memory of it. The shame took a stronger hold of him.

“I seem to have been breaking a lot of promises lately.”

It came out as a whisper, and he wasn’t sure if Iruka heard him or not, but he continued anyway.

“I couldn’t get myself to break up with you because I was selfish enough to not be able to let you go. It caused you so much pain.” The last part came out half-choked, but he forced himself to continue. “When you left, I promised myself to never be selfish again, but when it comes to you, I don’t know how to stop.”

This time Kakashi dropped to his knees, ready to beg for forgiveness, ready to say he was sorry, and ready to hear Iruka’s final verdict.

“I am so sorry Iruka, you deserved none of that, and I wish with everything I have, that I could take it all back. When I came back to Konoha and saw your name on the memorial stone, I was ready to die. I don’t know how to live in a world where you do not exist… When I learned that you had been killed, even after causing you so much pain with the wish to stop that very thing to happen, I truly realized my error. I did not even let you choose for yourself, I took that away from you as well.”

Kakashi finally lowered his mask, exposing himself further despite already feeling extremely vulnerable. At first, Iruka just stared at him with an unreadable expression before he suddenly burst out laughing.

Kakashi blinked a few times in confusion, not understanding why the sensei now was hunched over, gasping for breaths. Every time Iruka seemed close to getting a hold of himself, he looked back at Kakashi’s face, and just burst out laughing again.

Kakashi wasn’t sure if he should laugh as well or feel insulted, so instead, he just sat there looking utterly confused. Laughter looked incredibly good on Iruka, especially after everything he had been put through, but he didn’t understand what was so funny.

Eventually, Iruka calmed himself down enough to talk.

“Sorry, I’m so sorry, but your face!”

Iruka fell back to laughter and Kakashi felt a smile tug at his own lips, now understanding what Iruka was on about.

“That tan line is absolutely ridiculous!”

This time Kakashi chuckled, because how could he not when Iruka looked at him like that. His months in Suna had given him a worse tan-line than usual where he always wears his mask.

“Mah, six months in Suna does that to you”

This time Iruka seemed to sober up from his laughing fit. A tinge of sadness fell back into his facial features. Kakashi couldn’t help but study the way his now short hair swayed with the wind, thinking he could get used to seeing Iruka with short hair if he decided to keep it that way.

“That’s why I never saw you around after we broke apart? You ran away?”

Kakashi nodded.

Iruka sighed and shook his head, Kakashi couldn’t help but think about how the short hair moved compared to Iruka’s old ponytail would have.

“Sorry I wasn’t more patient.”

Kakashi gaped and shook his head almost violently.

“You couldn’t have been more patient even if you tried, I pushed you away, I said horrible things to you. You have nothing to be sorry about, this is all on me!” Kakashi’s voice was outraged. Iruka had absolutely nothing to be sorry about. 

Iruka looked away and nodded. They both took a moment to just consider everything that had been said, letting themselves take some time to gather their thoughts. The only sounds were from the busy streets below; people talking and children laughing. Kakashi was the first to speak.

“I just need you to know I still love you Iruka, I truly do. But guilt has always been a huge part of who I am, and it is always something that causes me to push people away. I am sorry I did that to you, so know that it was never something you did. I was the one that broke us.”

This time Iruka was looking at him and tears started pouring down his face, Kakashi had to pull himself together to not stand up and gather Iruka in his arms and kiss those tears away from his beautiful face.

“Thank you, Kakashi. Thank you for letting me know what happened.” 

Kakashi nodded. That was the very least he could do. 

Iruka swallowed before he continued, deciding to change the subject. “What happened to those that took me?”

To be honest, he had completely forgotten about the two Iwa nins. He had been so focused on the beautiful man in front of him and forcing himself to explain why things happened the way it did. He bit his lip, not sure how Iruka would react to the fact that Kakashi let them live. 

“No... they are still alive and an ANBU will bring them to Konoha as prisoners sometime within the next couple of days.” He replied, unsure how Iruka would react to the new information.

Iruka nodded, and Kakashi took the opportunity to apologize for this too.

“I am so sorry, Iruka. You were captured and tortured because of me, and it was one of the things I was always scared of. If you had died, if they had killed you… Damn it, I am so very sorry.” Kakashi’s voice broke, and he closed his eyes because he wasn’t sure if he could handle seeing the blame on Iruka’s face.

For a moment nothing happened, and there was only silence. Then suddenly he could hear some shuffling. He opened his eyes in time to see Iruka sit down on his knees in front of him and grab Kakashi’s hands. Kakashi was forced to look into the beautiful brown of the man he loved. Overwhelmed by them finally touching was something he wanted to hold on for dear life. Kakashi never understood it, but Iruka always had warm hands, even on the coldest of days.

“It wasn’t your fault Kakashi, to be honest, those two nins had no clue, they were complete idiots who just needed to blame someone or anyone, for the loss of a loved one.” Kakashi wasn’t sure what to say. It was true that Himari had seemed confused and was acting without thinking things all the way through, but she was a broken woman from losing someone she loved so very much. She had lost her sister, someone she had raised herself. Vengeance made people do stupid things. 

“Kakashi? There is another thing I need to ask you.” Iruka suddenly said, sounding nervous and almost hesitant to continue, Kakashi nodded wondering what Iruka wanted to ask.

“Did you move on with someone else? Because Himari said you were spending night’s somewhere else.”

Kakashi blinked because that was not a question he expected. He hadn’t moved on, there was nobody else for him than Iruka, and he found himself bothered that Iruka could even think so. Spending the night somewhere else? Did they mean that he had been away in Suna and not been home or… Crap! Realization dawned upon him.

“No, Iruka, I’m not with anyone else nor have I been. When I came back to Konoha, I stayed with Gai because I couldn’t handle being in our old apartment.”

Iruka’s eyes widened in realization before the tension in his shoulders dropped and he sighed in relief. He gave Kakashi a soft smile.

“Oh. Thank you, I just… I mean you have every right to move on, I just wanted to know.”

Iruka suddenly looked awkward, not sure what to do with himself. To be honest, Kakashi wasn’t sure either. But Kakashi gripped Iruka’s hands tighter. 

“There is only you for me, Iruka. I hope you know that.” 

Iruka closed his eyes and nodded, but he said nothing and Kakashi didn’t expect him to. There were no promises or expectations for what would happen next, and Kakashi was ok with that. He was just happy that he could finally have provided Iruka with some answers and move on from there. 

Kakashi wanted Iruka back, but he knew he had no right to make that claim. From now on, it was up to Iruka what happened next, and Kakashi did not want to pressure the brunette into making any rushed decisions. Instead, he squeezed the sensei’s hands reassuringly.

“You look exhausted, why don’t you get some more rest”

Iruka’s shoulders slumped down in relief, and he gave Kakashi a small smile.

“Thank you, but I think you need more rest than me at this point.”

Iruka gave a small laugh before he let go of Kakashi’s hands before standing back up. He then started to walk towards the door. Kakashi already desperately missed the touch of his ex-lover’s hands and wanted to grab the man and hold him close, to never let go.

Iruka turned back towards him before going through the door.

“Thank you for clearing a few things up Kakashi, I will need some time to get back on my feet and I have a lot to think about. But maybe we can talk again soon.”

Kakashi nodded to that, and Iruka smiled at him before he left. Kakashi knew he had given Iruka a lot to think about and could not fault him for needing some time. To be honest, Kakashi could never fault Iruka for anything he did. Except when it came to Iruka cooking Tempura, but at this moment, he would enjoy that too.

They still had a lot to think about, and Iruka had made no indication that he wanted to go back to what they used to be, but it was progressing and that was a good enough start for Kakashi.

Kakashi was happy. He had seen Iruka alive and well and experienced the Sensei laughing and yelling at him again.

He couldn’t hold back hoping that maybe, just maybe, they could be ok again.

_ (I made some art for this chapter, somewhat what I Imagine Kakashi sees when he first sees Iruka. :3 ) _

_ _

  
  


_(I made some art for this chapter, somewhat what I Imagine Kakashi sees when he first sees Iruka. :3 )_

_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not the best when it comes to conversations, to be honest, but hopefully, this is ok? Let me know what you think <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chill air from the late-night spring was starting to make itself noticeable, but Iruka paid it no mind. Iruka lifted his hand to knock without opening his eyes, trying to prepare himself for what he should say when finally standing face to face with Kakashi again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter of this series. I am truly sorry It has taken me this long to complete, but finally, it has been done. I just hit a wall with this fic until I found some inspiration and motivation to complete it, and I'm glad I'm finally there. 
> 
> Also thank you so much for the 300 kudos and support in this! That means so much to me! <3 
> 
> This is completely unbetaed btw.

Iruka had been back for a little more than a month. His apartment was still there with all his things, as Anko hadn’t been emotionally able to go through his stuff and throw them away, and since Iruka owned the apartment and wasn’t renting; nobody had been in a hurry to find new buyers. Iruka didn’t spend much time there even now, and preferred to spend most of his time with Anko in her apartment, not wanting to be in a space alone.

He had been told that his captors had been brought back to Konoha and taken to T&I for interrogation, but beyond that, Iruka wasn’t very informed other that Anko had been there and given them a piece of her mind. From what Iruka understood she had barely restrained herself from ripping them into pieces, but he assumed Ibiki must have been there to stop her as Anko had been fuming for days afterward and cursed Kakashi for being weak and not killing them when he had the chance.

Iruka honestly wasn’t sure what to think. He hated them, but Himari had shown such a human side to herself that he didn’t know if he thought she deserved death or not. She was mourning her sister, and the need for revenge had controlled her actions. What she did, was not right. His three teammates were dead for nothing. No, not nothing, they were dead because of some messed up mission Kakashi had been on so many years ago. It just wasn’t fair no matter the way you looked at it.

Iruka wasn’t sure if he resented Kakashi for not killing them, or if he should thank him. Iruka didn’t know what scenario he would prefer. Part of Iruka felt a little hurt that Kakashi didn’t think his suffering was worth killing for, but another part of him knew how Kakashi hated doing it, and would always look for other ways if he could. Iruka was happy his ex-lover didn’t put himself through that.

Regardless of what happened, the prisoners would suffer consequences for their actions, and Iruka would leave it at that.

Or so he wished.

Because, even if Iruka didn’t know what he preferred, he knew they were within the village walls and that made him extremely anxious. He couldn’t help worrying that they might escape and come for him, and it made him tense up with every creak or gust of wind that hit Anko’s apartment walls. If he was alone, his anxiety would immediately spike, and it made him incredibly dependent of Anko or his other friend’s presence.

Iruka hadn’t seen Kakashi after their talk on the hospital balcony. Kakashi had given him the answers Iruka needed back then, but Iruka still needed time to sort through them before he made any decisions. He had after all believed nothing could ever come between them, and he had thought their happiness and love for each other would always overcome whatever obstacle that came their way. But it didn’t. Kakashi had shut Iruka out and he had been so heartbroken he left. What was to determine if it wouldn’t happen again?

But he missed Kakashi so much, and he knew Kakashi was patiently waiting and hoping Iruka would accept him back while he was scared to make the same mistake twice. He somehow doubted it would happen again though. The Kakashi he had seen on the balcony was different from the Kakashi he had ever known in his happier times with him. This Kakashi was absolutely heartbroken and even bared his heart to Iruka in a way Iruka didn’t know he could. It showed him a lot of growth in just a short amount of time, a growth that showed being apart might have actually been good for Kakashi. Even if they had four happy years together before, this Kakashi seemed even more open to the idea of them, terrified, but at the same time, less afraid of letting his feelings known.

Could they do it again? Would Iruka be able to take that risk with the trauma he was still going through? Or could Kakashi be what he needed?

Iruka turned his head and looked at the clock standing on the nightstand. 02:15 it read and Iruka let out a heavy sigh.

Anko couldn't be around at all times. She had her own responsibilities and missions to do. She had taken a month off duty to support Iruka through the tough times and for that Iruka was beyond grateful. But now that Anko had left for a two-week mission, Iruka barely slept. He would lay awake all night and listen for any suspicious sounds, body full of tension causing an ever-present ache in his muscles.

For the last 4 days, Iruka had a total of 6-hour sleep, and he was struggling.

He knew he could go to any of his friends, they were there for him, but Iruka still had his pride, and there was only a selected few he could ever be comfortable with showing such a vulnerability too. Anko, Gai, and Kakashi. He'd go to Gai, but Gai had come by a few days earlier and said he was going on a mission with his genin team the next day, so that was out of the question.

Which only left Kakashi.

In a way, Kakashi was the first choice of comfort, but at the same time his last. He still had such conflicted thoughts about their relationship, but he also loved the man and knew he could never stop.

God, Iruka wanted to feel Kakashi's arms around him so much. He wanted the contentment and how just being in Kakashi's presence would just wash away his worries. He missed the fluttering feeling in his stomach when Kakashi smiled at him or pulled Iruka in for a kiss. He missed the times when he spent all day at the academy and mission desk and Kakashi would appear the second his shift ended, sweep him into his arms and shushin them back to the apartment where he immediately threw Iruka into bed and crawled in to join him.

He missed Kakashi so much.

And Kakashi had said he would wait, for however long Iruka needed.

It was a tempting thought to leave the bed in the middle of the night and go seek out Kakashi in their old shared apartment, but Iruka couldn't help feeling a little selfish if he were to do so as if all he wanted from Kakashi was a good night’s sleep in his arms. It wasn't. Iruka wanted everything with Kakashi.

A memory of Kakashi shouting at him flashed Iruka's mind. The words that had been said and the killing intent that had filled the room that night had hurt Iruka to the core. Iruka had felt like his own heart ripped itself to pieces before he ran off.

Iruka gasped as he felt his anxiety rise with the memory.

That had been the last time Iruka had seen Kakashi before he got captured. He had vague memories of Kakashi finding him in the abandoned hideout, but he remembered clearly how Kakashi looked at him at the hospital balcony and the words that Kakashi had said.

And Iruka believed it. He believed that Kakashi was telling the truth. He believed it when Kakashi said he loved him and he believed that maybe they could move past the rough patch in their relationship.

…

A rough patch.

Iruka slid a hand over his face in shame.

Kakashi was suffering back then. Kakashi had not only been overcome with guilt for Sasuke, but also the guilt of being with Iruka. He believed and was convinced Iruka would be put in harm's way because of him.

And he wasn't wrong.

Iruka had been put in harm's way because of Kakashi.

A tear trailed down Iruka's cheek and a small sob left his throat. Kakashi had gone through a rough patch. And Iruka left him.

Iruka had known Kakashi loved him. He knew he hadn't imagined how wonderful those four years with Kakashi had been. He had let his insecurities, built from a rough patch, convince him otherwise.

Kakashi hadn't managed to leave Iruka, because he loved Iruka too much to let go.

Iruka had been the one to give up on them. Not Kakashi.

Kakashi had suffered.

And Iruka left.

Iruka threw the covers off himself and was out the door a few seconds later. He was barefoot where he jumped from roof to roof in the direction of Kakashi's apartment, but he barely noticed the freezing surface under his feet as he ran, his mind too occupied with Kakashi and the proper apology he had to give.

Iruka had apologized for not being more patient at the hospital, and even if he had meant the words back then, it didn't hold enough weight as he had just gotten back to Konoha and hadn't had enough time to think things over.

Iruka has had a lot of time to think by now.

He should have been more patient.

As Iruka got closer and closer to their previously shared apartment, he felt the doubt rise in his chest. What if Kakashi was away on a mission? What if Kakashi died on a said mission and Iruka was never given the chance to make things right?

What if Kakashi had changed his mind?

Iruka slowed down as he had the door in view. It was at the bottom of an apartment building where Kakashi had lived since he moved away from the Hatake Estate as an 8-year-old. Iruka gently jumped down and paused in front of the door. It was 2:30 am in the morning, and Iruka suddenly started to doubt this was a good idea and wondered if it would be better to wait until a more appropriate time. Waking Kakashi up in the middle of the night because Iruka had a revelation, was quite selfish he thought, but at the same time… If Kakashi still meant what he had said at the balcony, then Iruka wouldn’t want to leave Kakashi waiting any longer. Iruka closed his eyes and took a deep breath. The chill air from the late-night spring was starting to make itself noticeable, but Iruka paid it no mind. He lifted his hand to knock without opening his eyes, trying to prepare himself for what he should say when finally standing face to face with Kakashi again.

Before Iruka had a chance to knock, the sound of a lock was heard and the door opened. Iruka’s eyes shot open and he was standing face to face with Kakashi. Kakashi was dressed in a loose grey shirt and some loose crinkled pajama pants. His hair was more unruly than usual and his eyes slightly puffy from being suddenly woken from a deep sleep. Kakashi had no mask on, and his entire face was visible and portrayed the look of surprise. Iruka was frozen where he stood, completely unprepared by not being given the time to contemplate what to say from the moment he was supposed to have knocked on the door and waited until Kakashi opened it.

Kakashi’s eyes went from looking surprised to looking worried, and Kakashi took a step forward to look around as if it might give him the answer to why Iruka was here. When Kakashi detected no dangers, he turned his entire focus back onto Iruka who still hadn’t moved or said anything.

“Iruka, is everything okay?” Kakashi asked. His voice was calm, but Iruka was still able to detect a slight waiver of worry.

Iruka wasn’t sure what to say, so he nodded before he hesitated and shook his head instead. Iruka bit his lip. All Iruka wanted to do was to wrap his arms around Kakashi and cry into his shoulder.

So he did.

Iruka stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Kakashi, and buried his face into Kakashi’s neck, and cried. Kakashi stiffened for a few seconds before he wrapped his own arms around Iruka and leaned into the touch. Iruka cried, and tightened his grip around Kakashi, slightly afraid that Kakashi would suddenly disappear. But Kakashi didn’t try to break free, he held on too, and he rubbed Irukas back comfortably.

They stood like that for a while.

Kakashi let Iruka just pour all his feelings into the moment without saying anything, and as hard as Iruka tried to pull himself together, he only ended up holding on even harder.

Eventually, Kakashi retreated and pulled Iruka a little bit away from him before he gathered Iruka into his arms and carried him inside. Iruka held on around Kakashi’s neck until Kakashi gently sat him down onto the couch. Kakashi grabbed a blanket lying nearby and wrapped it around him before squatting down in front of him, holding Iruka’s hands.

Through tearful eyes, Iruka could see the love and worry shine through Kakashi’s own damp eyes, and wondered how they managed to screw up when their love was so evident.

“Iruka, you’re freezing. Please let me grab you some socks and make you a hot cup of tea. I will be quick ok?”

Iruka instantly tightened his grip around Kakashi’s hands, not wanting Kakashi to go, but he released the hands a moment after. Kakashi looked apologetic and Iruka felt a little pathetic. He broke Kakashi’s gaze and was just about to turn his head away when Kakashi cupped his cheek and rubbed his thumb on it in a soothing motion.

Iruka leaned into the gentle touch, but let Kakashi go get him some socks and make him tea.

While Kakashi was doing those things, Iruka wrapped the blanket around himself more, enjoying the warmth and comfort it gave while leaning back into the couch and making himself more comfortable. Iruka listened to the sounds of Kakashi in the kitchen and closed his eyes.

He felt safe and there was a feeling of contentment and happiness spread out in his body from being around Kakashi again. Iruka knew now that they could fix this, and that they could be ok again if he gave it a chance. Iruka inhaled and found further comfort from Kakashi’s scent coming from the blanket. Despite Kakashi seeming like a person with no weaknesses, Kakashi hated being cold and would always wrap a blanket around himself at home no matter how warm it was. Sometimes it drove Iruka nuts because it made no sense for Kakashi to wrap himself into blankets on a hot summer day.

Iruka smiled at the memories that this blanket and living room brought with it. He had so many good moments with Kakashi in here and being back felt good.

And that was how he finally fell asleep with no anxiety running in his veins.

* * *

Iruka woke up feeling incredibly warm and comfortable. He felt more relaxed than he had in a long time, and the warm rays of sunshine hitting his face was familiar and left him smiling. Iruka laid like that for a bit, allowing himself to wake up slowly and enjoy the moment until he detected a very familiar chakra signature nearby and his eyes shoot open.

At first, Iruka detected nothing out of the ordinary, until he remembered that he hadn’t woken up in this room for almost a year. He looked around and noticed that Kakashi wasn’t there, which was the unfamiliar part of the morning routine, but Iruka could feel him and knew Kakashi was nearby.

Yesterday’s memories flooded back to Iruka, and while he should probably feel embarrassed for barging in on Kakashi like that and not saying a single word, he wasn’t. Because this was Kakashi and nothing they did around each other was considered inappropriate. Iruka got up from the bed and padded to the door that was slightly ajar. He hesitated for a moment before opening it and stepping out to the next room and saw Kakashi sleeping on the couch with his arm over his eyes.

Iruka bit his lip, contemplating whether or not laying down next to Kakashi was ok, but decided it would be. They both wanted to be together again, and Iruka was the one holding back.

Iruka doubted Kakashi would mind.

Iruka walked over to Kakashi, lifted the side of the blanket, and laid down on the couch edge next to Kakashi wrapping his arms around the other body. Kakashi’s arm immediately shoot out and held Iruka in place as extra security from Iruka falling off the narrow place.

Kakashi looked at him with a tired, but hopeful look and surprise, and when Iruka buried his face in Kakashi’s neck, he could feel Kakashi smiling into his hair.

They laid like that for a while before Iruka finally decided to speak.

“I love you Kakashi. I’m sorry I gave up on us too quickly back then. You were going through a rough patch and I gave up. I should have been more patient, I should have tried harder to reach out to you.”

Kakashi didn’t respond straight away, but he readjusted himself so that he was laying towards Iruka and could look Iruka in the eyes. Kakashi looked completely confused.

“Iruka… I was being a complete asshole who not only made you go through an emotionally hard time but I also made you feel unsafe and threatened. And you said it yourself, I promised I wouldn’t let guilt get in our way when we moved in together. You had every reason to give up and seek happiness elsewhere when there was none to be found with me.”

Kakashi’s voice was stern but emotional. And Iruka wanted to kiss the broken look of Kakashi’s face.

“I should have been more patient. I knew of your self-blaming nature, I should have given us more time.” Iruka replied with a whisper.

Kakashi shook his head before leaning his forehead against Iruka’s.

“Iruka, please do not blame yourself, the breakup was on me and me only. Back then I tried to push you away, that was my intention. An intention I always deeply regretted, but still had.”

Kakashi paused and a deep sigh escaped.

“I know not to make that mistake again, I have learned my lesson. I will never push you away again Iruka... If you still want me, that is”

Iruka smacked Kakashi in the back of his head.

“Baka! This is the problem! You always take all the blame on yourself. We both screwed up, and we both are to blame ok? Don’t you dare keep going down the road of self-guilt again! And I don’t show up in the middle of the night, crying my heart out in your arms because I wouldn’t want you, idi-…”

Iruka’s words were cut off by a pair of lips on his own. He was too surprised by the action to respond immediately, but once he managed to wrap his brain around it, he leaned into the kiss and kissed Kakashi back as if his life depended on it. Kakashi held Iruka close and did not let go or break away from the kiss until they both desperately needed air.

Love and happiness were so evident in Kakashi’s face. The way he looked at Iruka was so full of loving emotion, and Iruka could tell just from that look alone that Kakashi was more ready than he ever was.

Iruka was an impulsive person. It was an impulse that had made Iruka show up on Kakashi’s doorstep in the middle of the night and it was an impulse to lay down on the couch with Kakashi. The couch Kakashi undoubtedly had slept on to give Iruka the comfortable bed and space he probably thought Iruka wanted before they had talked things properly through. A couch one of them would probably still occasionally lay on when the other was upset with them in the future, even if the bed would more likely be used by the both of them most of the time. It wasn’t an impulse that Iruka wanted to spend the rest of his life by Kakashi’s side, but it was an impulse that Iruka knew he would never regret that made him blurt out the next words.

“Marry me.”

Kakashi went completely still, and his eyes shot up wide in surprise. For a few seconds, Kakashi didn’t say anything, but Iruka wasn’t worried. He knew Kakashi would say yes, he knew Kakashi wanted the same thing.

When Kakashi seemed to finally have registered the words, and the absolute meaning of it, he blinked a few times, a tear roamed down his cheek and he nodded desperately while cupping Iruka’s face

“Yes!”

Then Iruka’s lips were occupied by a pair of lips again, but he didn’t mind at all. The kiss started desperately but quickly turned into a soft and slow makeout session. It was the type of kiss Iruka was incredibly familiar with and happiness bubbled up in his chest.

When they finally broke apart again, Kakashi smiled brightly at him, and Iruka knew Kakashi was as happy as himself for being back together again.

Engaged even.

But then, all of the sudden, Kakashi jolted up and jumped clumsily of the couch over Iruka. For a moment Iruka was shocked by the sudden movement and turned just in time to see Kakashi disappear into their bedroom. Iruka could hear Kakashi roam through some drawers before he shushined in front of Iruka again. Iruka let out a yelp of surprise and almost fell out of the couch and into the floor, but Kakashi grabbed him in time and helped him sit up.

“Kakashi, what the heck!”

“Sorry, that was not planned but, um…”

Kakashi stood there next to the couch suddenly looking red as a tomato and Iruka was wondering what the hell was going on until he noticed a small black box in his fiancee’s hands.

Iruka’s mind went blank.

“Uhm. I know you were the one to ask, but I got this like a year ago and originally planned to give it to you on our fourth anniversary, so I would like for you to have it.”

Kakashi was babbling and the words poured out of his mouth with sudden nervousness. Kakashi opened the box and revealed a gold ring with a beautifully patterned engraving on it. Iruka gasped and Kakashi took the opportunity to lean down and give Iruka a quick kiss on the cheek.

“That is if you want it…?”

Kakashi’s voice sounded hesitant and unsure, but Iruka didn’t hesitate when he leaned forward and grabbed Kakashi’s hands, holding the box with the ring between them. He looked hopeful up on Kakashi, and Kakashi seemed to get the message. He immediately went down on one knee, took the ring out of the box, and put the ring on Iruka’s finger. The ring was a bit big on the finger as Iruka still hadn’t gained all his weight back, but he knew it would be the perfect size when Iruka got back into shape.

The ring was beautiful.

“So, I’m the one who asks and I’m the one who gets the ring? I thought it was meant to be the other way around.” Iruka joked with a bright smile on his face.

Kakashi chuckled, and it was a lovely sound.

“Good initiative deserves good reward” Kakashi replied happily.

Iruka shook his head but pulled Kakashi in for a hug, and held on for at least a minute until Kakashi whispered into his hair.

“I truly love you Iruka, I hope you know that I will never stop.”

Emotion surged up in Iruka and he was only able to nod in reply. Kakashi understood and kissed Iruka’s neck affectionately.

“I love you too Kakashi, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.” Iruka eventually replied.

Kakashi broke free from Iruka’s arms and kissed him desperately again.

Almost as if Iruka was the oxygen he needed to survive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this fic and thank you all for sticking with it for so long <3


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